Ambiguity

I know myself.  I've had a long time to get to know myself, 23 years now.  I know what I feel and most of the time I know what I want.  Every now and then there comes a point, hurdles arise and feelings emerge that I don't understand.  In these times I am ambiguous to myself.  I can't say how I feel or say what I really want.

The problem comes when you don't know what you want, you tend to make blind decisions.  You say and do things that you think you want.  Sometimes they go right and you feel great.  Sometimes they go wrong and when they do you either regret that decision or you regret it's effects.

I'm writing this after making a decision, a decision I don't regret, but I do regret its effects.

In a recent tweet I said, sometimes the thought of being forever alone appeals, at least then you will never ruin someone else's life or hurt them - intentionally or unintentionally.  At least if you're alone there can be no collateral damage.  I have to wonder how much truth comes of this.  I know in reality it's easier said than done.

I place this poem here since in many ways it reflects my feelings, however ambiguous they are to me right now:

untitled

Friends in my life have came and went

But I'm grateful for the time with them I spent

A few good friends I hold dear to my heart

May never cometh the day when they should part

These people are rare and so hard to find

With them you connect through heart and mind

Never a scar on their heart you wish to place

Never a tear you wish to wash their face

You can't help how you feel, this you should not hide

The Game of Love is played with prejudice and pride

A story is written with the words that you share

A story defined by love and care

There will be days of sorrow and woe

Days of happiness that others won't know
There may be days of sadness and strife

But to be in love is to share your life