I am done

I have shared a lot of things on this blog.  There has been a lot about me, or more importantly the image of me, the person I think I am - whether or not that is the reality I guess neither you nor I will ever know without actually meeting, to see me through a third person's point of view or in your case from the first person.

I wish I could tell you something insightful or something that would blow your mind but truth be told these past few weeks I have in many ways been in a state of shock where my mental faculties have slowly degraded and the range of things which I would contemplate have stagnated.  To the point where I have thought of less and less, all this is due to one thing in particular which you would be expecting to occupy my mind in their place.  The reality is that it hasn't  It has only been that which I contemplate when I stop to think and ultimately that has been when I write these posts.  I am sure you probably noticed a recurring trend in the past few weeks.

That has now broken.  I was not thinking about it, I was denying it and repressing it or just outright ignoring my feelings for the desire to do other things.  The reality is not that simple, the shock like state was brought on by this action.  My mind slowly cleared and until there was nothing left to occupy it but these thoughts, and when you are repressing them that ultimately means you fall silent - if there is nothing left to think about bar one thing, and you choose not to think about that one thing, you think of nothing.

Thinking of nothing is not easy for me, and I can't stand it anymore so I am doing the only thing left that I can do - I am releasing my burden.  That which was the last bastion of thought I release.  It is not mine to think of anymore.  It is out of my control.  I made efforts to confront it, small as they may be they were contemplated heavily and they were not carried out easily.  Today I found myself contemplating repeating this process, but if it didn't work before, why should I keep trying, I will only be repeating failure which will encourage a downward cycle of unenviable self loathing and self pity. 

I am moving on.  I will always be an ear to listen, open arms to hug and a heart to love, but these legs cannot run any longer.  I am tired.  Oh so tired and beyond my mentality of tiredness my physicality has mirrored this state and I have been left drained of energy and powerless.  I end this now.

Upon releasing this burden my mind is slowly filling with other things and many of them will form the coming blog posts.  Expect many to come and less of the recent theme.