Tempting Fate

It's October 25th, and although there are still 5 days left in this month - a lot can happen in 5 days - I can't help but feel like I owe an apology to it.  That may sound crazy and I hold my hands up and admit that freely; but a few days into this month I called it Cuntober.  I called it that because I've had a few bad Octobers in my life and so have my family.

For me personally I've had financial burdens dumped on me - something that repeated itself this year.  People have died in my family in Octobers past - again something that repeated itself this year with the passing of my Great Uncle a few days ago.  I've had heartaches, lost people who I thought would be in my life forever but for various reasons we parted ways, some happily, some not so much.

The start of this month wasn't good and I was bracing myself for a month of Hell because that's what we do when we have bad experiences in our past - we let them influence our present and dictate our future.  For all that has happened though, this month hasn't been the worst.  Therein lies the tempting fate - I do not want to jinx myself but this month has thrown hurdles at me as the previous Octobers did too but one thing has changed - my reactions.  Last October was deeply depressing for me when I got a job and then lost it in the blink of an eye.  The year before I parted ways with someone I wanted to be in my life forever.  That really choked me up at the time, partly because I thought he was amazing but mainly because he was there at a time when I really needed someone.  Thankfully we're still in touch and it doesn't hurt to know that he's happy which is such a big thing for me.  If you know me at all the one thing you will never protest is that all I want from and for the people in my life is for them to be happy.

My reactions have changed though.  Maybe you can call that maturity, or maybe you can call it unbridled cynicism, whatever it is though I think it's positive.  At least for me it is.  I'm dealing with things in a much more productive way.

October this year has not been rosy.  A lot has happened that I am not happy about.  I will be glad when this month is over so I can move on but the idea that I can harbour resentment towards something as arbitrary as a date range on a calendar now seems to be so infantile.  I know I am not alone though.  I know this month has kicked a few people in the nuts too - and to them I wish that things get better, I wish I could do more but I can't.  There have been a few positives in this month for me, one or two were short lived though, and there are still potentials.  The potentials could go either way though, so ask me in a week how the month went and I'll let you know but for now I'm trying to focus on whatever I can salvage.