This is me

You and I have never met, and all that you have, to judge who I am is this blog.  The truth is I am a writer, and one thing holds true for most writers - what they write versus what the live are rarely the same thing.  So in that vein this post is about me.  I've tried to "write" an 'About Me' post several times, but I realise now that was the wrong thing to do.  So instead of writing a post about me, this post is me.

I write of philosophy, of psychology, of behaviour, of religion, of spirituality, of my interpretation of the world, but what you read are the thoughts in my head, they are not what I say in life.  The truth is I'm incredibly shy when you first meet me - even then it takes me time to open up.  I have tried to rush that with people before and open up sooner than I felt comfortable doing and it didn't work out well for me.  I guess the reality is that most people don't want to know your life story, that most people have one thing they want whether that be physical, emotional, or maybe just a mentality, ultimately they have one thing more than anything they are looking for and if they don't see it they walk on by.

I'm incredibly cynical at times when I write, that much is true of my real life.  I often focus on the negatives and I often find it hard to 'look on the bright side' but as much as that side of me often shows, all this is based on my experience.  My life hasn't been a bed of roses, and I'm not saying that as a sob story.  There are few people I have confided everything to, and I regard them as my closest friends.  I try to treat others with respect, and I try not to judge but I am only human.  I make mistakes just like everybody else.  Despite all I have been through I still have faith in people, because those that have been there for me through everything have shown me that there are people out there who are just like you.  People who are kind, compassionate, caring, and try to be fair - who also have their moments when they dwell too long on the negative.

I am happy.  I am happy with who I am.  I have made peace with my past, something which took me a long time to do but I accept that I can't change it.  I would never want to go through it again, but I wouldn't change anything, because without everything I have been through, I wouldn't be the person I am today and I wouldn't have met the people I care so much about.

I don't want to change who I am, but finding someone who feels the same, at times feels like an impossible feat.  I don't know if I ever will.  One thing is for sure though, if the Universe does work in the way that we receive what we project, that we can only attract what we put out there, then the chance of me finding you, Mr Right, are slim.  I still have hope, but it feels like if I forever focus on the things I want and forget to live then I will waste my life.  So I think it's time I stopped looking.  If you are out there, you're going to have to find me, because I can't find something I'm not looking for.  That sounds arrogant, and I hold my hands up, yes it is, and I make no excuses.

There is a famous quote, often attributed to Marilyn Monroe, I don't know if she actually said it but it is something I have come to live by:

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”

So I'm not going to change.  This is me.