I don't know

"You really know what you want" - I've been told this many times by people but it's usually in the midst of a conversation about something I have figured out.  There's a lot that I haven't figured out though and when it comes to those things, I don't know what I want - or if I ever did.

You can say I'm making problems for myself, or thinking about things too much, but I would argue that my concern is valid.  I haven't figured out many things, but as an example let's take relationships.  I've never had a relationship, I have wanted one, but I have only ever met guys who wanted one with me when I didn't want one with them, or guys that I have wanted one with who didn't want one with me.  The two have never lined up for me. 

When I first came out I wanted commitment, but I was 18 at the time and no-one my age wanted the same thing, they all wanted no-strings-attached [NSA as so many love calling it].  Fast forward a few years to my time at University and tired of guys only wanting one thing and nothing more I thought fuck it all - literally.  I jumped on the NSA band wagon and I had my fill - again, literally.  During that time though there were a few guys who wanted a relationship with me, none of whom I wanted one with, I don't want to sound like a slut, though that's inevitable when talking NSA - they were guys that I wouldn't have considered if I wanted something serious, I only said yes because it was NSA.  Then came along a guy I really liked and fell pretty hard for, I wanted so much from him but he didn't want the same - not from me at least.

After that my desire to do anything with anyone died.  It was a year or so before it woke again.  Nowhere near what it was before I had a few encounters but I felt the same emptiness that NSA left, the feeling of being incomplete.

Fast forward to the present, half a decade later and you would think I would know by now what I want.  I don't.  I know what I don't want - I don't want a string of NSA encounters that will leave me feeling empty as they did before - and I know what I would like - a committed relationship with someone I love who loves me.  So what's the problem?  Well the problem is the question - does wanting commitment mean you have to be abstinent and wait for the one you're going to commit to?  What if you spend all that time waiting, however long it is, before you finally meet someone you want to commit to and then things don't work out?  Did you deny yourself the possibility of something good by closing yourself off to the world?  Can NSA ever evolve into something more?

More than this the fact that I don't know what I want seems to be a heinous crime in the LGBT community - "what are you looking for?" - if you can't answer that question it seems you're wrote off completely.  Why!?  I'm fucking 25 years old I should not be expected to have life completely figured out by now, even if I live until I am 80, I am less than 1/3 of the way through; at 25 I've been out and able to accept my sexuality for 7 years - that's not a long time, what great revelation or lesson in life have I missed in that time that I'm expected to know by now, someone tell me please?