Russell T Davies hates Valentine's Day

He didn't say it in so many words but he might as well have.  For those that don't know, Russell is a writer who has been behind some quite entertaining shows but also been behind controversy quite a bit.  His work on Doctor Who for example was widely criticised; he was as many so often are in British culture, a "marmite" figure - i.e. you either love him or hate him.

Ruseell has been writing for a show he created called Cucumber - it's actually 3 separate interlinked shows that follow the same group of people but from different perspectives.  Cucumber is the main series and Banana is basically a spin off that follows each character individually, while Tofu is more of a documentary or discussion based programme that talks about the show itself and the issues it raises, with the cast being the guests.

Cucumber is probably most likened to Queer As Folk - the original UK series, not the US version.  Updated for a modern era.  While it covers a lot of interesting topics the latest episode touched on something I can personally relate to - trust.  I have a lot of trust issues which I have made no secret about however I think Russell completely missed the point and actually showed mistrust more than trust - and I don't accept the argument that this is what he intended because I really don't give his work that depth.

"The Henry Test" was proposed in the show as a trust exercise.  The principle is quite simple, the main character says that a couple who think they are happy should take the test and they'll see for real if they are.  It involves both partners swapping phones and reading the last 20 texts they sent - to anyone and everyone.  There are a number of glaring issues with this which I'll get to in a minute but to take the test at face value there's not a lot that this would achieve in practice.  Trust isn't about knowing for sure - if you know for sure then there is no element of trust because there is no doubt.

The problem with this test is that the idea focuses on the test itself and the outcomes but fails to recognise the implications of asking in the first place.  If you asked your partner to do this you are basically admitting you don't trust them or that you doubt your trust in them.  Either way regardless of what you see when you actually read the texts you have already caused damage to the relationship by asking in the first place.  The problem here is that if you ask and they say no, then you will invariably feel like they are hiding something from you because they won't agree to it - despite any logical argument they have against actually doing it, you will still feel mistrust as a result.  Therein lies the problem with this test, it will cause one partner or both to lose trust in the other as a result of doing it.

James asks John, and John agrees, James reads and feels reassurance when he sees there's nothing there of concern, but John feels deeply hurt and feels like James does not trust him that will lead John to lose trust in James because trust is not a one way street.

James asks John, and John refuses, James then feels like John is hiding something and mistrusts him and as a result the relationship suffers.

This all results in mistrust.  The point of the test - to establish trust - is a misnomer.  The reality is that if you both trust one another you would not ask either to do this and you would have no problem with them being uncomfortable with the idea.  You can't follow someone every second of the day, they will see other people and talk to them and they will be alone with other people.  In these situations you don't know what they say and what they do.  Likewise in other forms of communication like email etc you don't normally see what is private.  Trust is about accepting their right to privacy and having the belief that they won't abuse it to hide something from you like an affair.

Trust is very hard to get back once it is lost.  It's a bit like an ice sculpture.  It takes a long time to sculpt and it can look immaculate.  As heat causes it to melt and bits fall off it is very hard to patch it back together.  It becomes deformed over time and while you may be able to freeze the sculpture again you'll never be able to get it back to what it was.  You can start over but that's incredibly hard to do as it means writing off all the work you put into it in the first place and starting from scratch.

I said Russell hates Valentine's Day and I'm half serious about that.  The fact this aired now and the seeds it planted in peoples' minds I think would have a negative affect on most people.  I am willing to bet there were a lot of breakups because of this storyline.  To be honest I am in the camp that if you asked your partner to do this then you don't trust them and if you don't trust them then your relationship is doomed.  I have a lot of trust issues and I am a very open person.  There would be nothing on my phone personally I'd have a problem with a boyfriend seeing but if he asked me this it would make me wonder why he was asking in the first place and it would make me lose trust in him as a result.  If you can't trust me then how do you expect me to trust you?  If you don't trust me then I will assume there are many things you don't tell me, not because of their significance but for the simple fact that you don't feel you can be open with me.

So while you may think your trust in me is the only thing being questioned by asking me to do this, you are wrong, my trust in you would be questioned too as a result and I think a lot of people who saw this storyline and turned around and asked their partner might not have realised that.  Any that did it and think their partner was completely okay about it I think would be in denial; if you're partner didn't at least admit they found it strange or that they felt like you didn't completely trust them, they would actually have something to worry about because I don't think you're being completely open about your feelings and communicating that between one another.

If you trust someone and have no reason to doubt them, then why would you do this at all?