10 Things to know about me

1 - I'm Shy

A lot shyer than you might think.  In person I am not as vocal as I am online and while this blog and my twitter gives you an insight into what is going on inside my head, very few people get that privilege face to face.  The thing about my shyness you have to understand is that if I don't say much, that does not mean in any way that I am not interested or that I don't want to talk to you.  If I don't want to talk to you I will tell you, which brings me on to number 2.

2 - I am to the point

I try to be as direct as I can be and that often results in a complete lack of tact or filter.  I know when it's not appropriate to act in this way, but if you ask for my honest opinion on something don't expect me to sugar coat it for you.  I know not a lot of people can handle this and to be honest not a lot of people can handle me, which brings me onto number 3.

3 - You have to want me in your life

I want people who want me in their life.  If I don't want you in my life I will make that abundantly clear.  If I do want you in my life I will put the effort in and I will do all I can to keep you in my life save for one thing - I will not stay where I am not wanted.  You need to want me in your life as much as I want you in mine, and if you don't, then no matter how close you are to me I will walk away.  I have done this before with many people.  I do not have the energy to waste on people that don't care.  Which brings me onto number 4.

4 - I care about people a lot

I form deep rooted sentimental attachments to people.  The people that get close to me will be closer to me than anyone they have before.  I know this because I have been told this many times.  If I open up to you and let you get close to me, I will get close to you as a result, that's not a hard concept to grasp.  It's simple Psychology.  It might be counter intuitive to some people, like the fact that if you want someone to like you the easiest way is to ask them to do something for you - not do something for them.  All this depends on how close I let you get, and that brings me on to number 5.

5 - I have trust issues

Relatively low down on this list yet this is one of the over arching themes that you will become acutely aware of the more you get to know me.  I have some major trust issues and there are very good reasons for having them which I have alluded to but not outright said here on this blog.  I tend to test the water with people when I first meet them, I will throw you in deeper and deeper, if you manage to swim each time then you'll make it to the deep end where you will know everything.  Whether or not you can handle that will determine whether you stay, walk away or even run a mile.  Which brings me on to number 6.

6 - I have been hurt

I have trusted the wrong people in the past and that hasn't helped me much, if anything it made things worse for a while.  Nothing will make you close to the world faster than opening to someone and having them run a mile.  This has happened to me in the past and while I like to think I have become a better judge of character over the years there are still those for whom curiosity overrides reality and they ask questions they aren't prepared to hear the answer to at all.  An interest in Psychology has helped me develop my awareness of this behaviour.  Which brings me onto number 7.

7 - I don't judge people, I observe

Save for the most extreme cases I will reserve judgement on anyone.  I don't like to judge people because I know that your environment can be the complete opposite of your internal state.  The people you are surrounded by, can be polar opposites to you.  Even what you say and what you do won't always line up.  For this reason I tend to observe people rather than judge.  While I may appear quiet at times you should by no means assume that implies I am not thinking about anything because in most cases in reality that could not be further than the truth.  Which brings me on to number 8.

8 - I am always thinking

I find it incredibly hard to switch off.  I have been told by friends before that they can literally think about "nothing" - I can't even fathom that.  I have never been able to achieve successful meditation, I have never been able to clear my mind.  From the moment I wake to the moment I fall asleep I am thinking of something and even when I am asleep I am still thinking.  Due to my Nystagmus I dream every night and I remember them clearly each morning, I have had lucid dreams and lucid nightmares.  Switching off just is not an option for me, I wish it was.  Thinking so much often results in me over thinking things which can lead to paranoia at times but it can also strengthen intuition.  Which brings me onto number 9.

9 - I trust my instincts

I see patterns in things that other people don't and I tend to analyse those.  I often end up making assumptions which I will admit are sometimes wrong, however my instincts are driven by what I perceive and my experience in the past.  While many people would still consider me young I have been through a lot and in that time you learn a thing or two about deception and plain old bullshit.  I can usually tell when people are lying to me, and I think a lot of people would be surprised by what I actually know they lied about to me.  I choose my battles wisely, I know which things are worth confronting people over and I know which are just not worth the effort.  Knowing someone is lying to you and knowing why are two different things however, and when you know the reason why they lie it can be easier to ignore.  Which brings me onto the last in this list, number 10.

10 - I am arrogant but honest

I am under no illusion, I can be incredibly arrogant, I can be stubborn and I can be misguided.  I try to be as honest as I can with people, admittedly I don't always tell the truth as I explained in a previous post, I know and understand that we are not completely honest all the time.  There are times when it is prudent to lie and there are times when it is important to tell the truth.  I am arrogant at times but that arrogance is born of confidence in myself.  While many people will not associate that word with my behaviour and due to my shyness neither would I, there is a difference between outward and inward confidence.  I am confident in myself, I know and understand my limits and I know who I am.  When it comes to outward confidence the thing that holds me back the most is my lack of trust in people. 

The more people that get close to me the more I open up.  While you may read this blog and think I am quite open about who I am and what I think, the thing you have to remember is that you don't know me and you never will from reading this blog.  You will only ever know my online person by reading these words.  If you want to get to know the real me then you have to do just that - get to know me - and that requires having actual conversations with me and seeing what I am really like, because the image you have in your mind is most likely nothing like me.