Method to the Madness

Sometimes people say and do things that are irrational.  Most of the time however our actions, our thoughts and our feelings are reasonable.  Reasonable actions simply mean actions we can find a reason for; likewise unreasonable actions are simply actions for which we can find no reason for.

When we look at our behaviour and the behaviour of others we try to deduce the reason for those behaviours.  A lot of the time our actions are misinterpreted in this respect and people deduce reason that is not even remotely related to our own.  Take for example someone who does not have any serious relationships or commitments and chooses to sleep around having a string of one night stands.  The conclusion that most people draw there is that these people fear commitment or that they are incapable of it.  However that might not necessarily be the case.  There are any number of reasons, for example one or more very bad relationships can lead people to be reluctant to ever want to even try again - like a divorcee who swears off marriage.

The point I am trying to make is that judging other people is fundamentally flawed by the fact that our judgement is limited to our own experience - first, second, and third handed.  We forget that other people have lives.  We forget this because processing this is something which we don't normally do.  When we walk down a street we do not pay attention to every single thing going on around us - this would cause sensory overload.  Our brains are selective in what they pay attention to.  Likewise when we use a machine or some other object we don't think about what is actually happening inside, all we need to process is how to use it - that abstraction prevents us from cognitive overload.  Abstraction is only broke down when we have a reason for needing to know how something works - a conscious choice out of curiosity is enough of a reason, even if we have no other motivation than just wanting to know.

We forget other people have lives because to consider it for every single person we meet or see would also cause cognitive overload.  You will pass hundreds, maybe thousands of people daily, for some even millions.  To know the life story of even one of those people can in itself take a lifetime.  We don't seek to know someone's complete life story however we only seek to know the things that interest us or that concern us.  When it comes to judging others for their actions the only thing that interests us in most scenarios is either what would motivate us to act in that way or the worst possible reason for acting in that way - in other words we focus on the negative.

In the example above of someone who sleeps around, my reasoning for it reflects this.  The only thing that led me to that when I was younger was a fear of commitment.  A fear that has long passed; the only reason now that would lead me to that would be the feeling that commitment causes me more harm than good - in other words if committing to someone leads to heartache then I would not blame anyone who sought a life without commitment.

Knowing someone's life story in itself is an interesting concept.  I have lived a long life, and despite only being 26 I have been through a lot - some things I wish no-one would ever have to go through.  I have experienced darkness that has left marks that will never fade and they cause me problems even to this day.  I have seen light however and I have known love.  To know all that I have been through would take as long as I have lived, and longer still to process it and come to understand it all.  That's where abstraction comes into play.  When you get to know someone, you don't need to know everything, you just need to know enough.  How much you know about who a person was, does not determine the strength of a relationship - amicable or amorous.  How much you know about who a person is, and who they will become, that is what will determine the strength of your relationship.

The past helps you know how a person got to where they are today but it is a story, nothing more.  If you buy into the belief that your past determines your future then you become a prisoner of your past.  You will never know anything more than what you knew and you will stop growing as a person.  Some things are worth remembering, and some things are worth knowing, but some things are better left forgotten, the reason why should suffice.