Can you stay friends with an ex?

I asked a question on twitter which was playing on my mind.  "Can you stay friends with an ex?" - The responses varied which I was not expecting, but in the end it was pretty much a  50/50 split of yes and no.  I've been thinking about this a lot and I have come to a few conclusions.

We expect different things from our friends than we do from our other half.  We expect more from our other half in many ways than we expect from our friends and in many ways we do more for them than we do for our friends.  Whilst the gap may not be that wide, for some people, particularly those friends who are very close, it is rare that a friend trumps the other half.  Maybe in the early days of dating, and with a few extreme examples later in the relationship too.  However the deeper you get into a relationship the more the gap widens.

When you split from someone there's a change in the dynamic of your relationship.  Some might call it a demotion, or for the sports minded, a relegation.  Either way when that change occurs what you expect from them has to change too.  If it doesn't then you will end up in a situation where you want more from them than they should or, would give you.  Likewise what they expect from you will change too.  Ultimately the person who wanted to break up, even if it was mutual, the person that suggested or implied they wanted to break up will inevitably be the one who makes this relegation first.  That leaves the other to make the same change.  Therein lies the problem, the person who wanted to break up will not have made the decision on the spare of the moment, it will have been something they had been thinking for some time.  That invariably means they are more prepared and move quicker in accepting the change than the one who was not expecting it.

Whichever side you are on one thing is key and that is communication.  If you want to stay friends then you both need to be clear about how you feel and share without holding back.  The one who initiated needs to recognise the other will have to take time to process it which will be extended and prolonged by staying in contact.  That doesn't mean cutting them off is the right thing to do, that will often end the friendship entirely, no if you want to stay friends you above all need to have patience.

If you are the other and you were not expecting it you need to come to terms with a lot of things, and in many ways the stages of grief need to be passed through, maybe not all of them.  Anger will happen whether you direct it at them or away from them.  Denial too, and eventually bargaining as you try to reason why things didn't work out and maybe try and resolve that to restore the relationship.  The final goal is acceptance but whether you get that depends entirely on communication between you both. 

The one who was not expecting it needs to accept that the relationship has changed, and they have to change what they expect from it.  That will also mean you have to change what you give, as giving more than you will ever get back in the hopes of reciprocation is akin to unrequited love and that breeds resentment and sadly paves a path to depression. 

Taking time apart will be tempting for the one who initiated the breakup, but this will end the friendship entirely.  You need to realise in that moment the other is at their most vulnerable, they are hurt, and if you walk away from them when they are like that rather than stay with them and work things through as friends, then you are no friend and you never will be.  This is like shooting someone in the leg, and walking away whilst saying you need space and you'll leave them to recover.

On the counter argument some will have that some relationships don't end with intentional breakup it only happens after a pivotal moment such as cheating; I would argue the person who cheated initiated it when they cheated.  However long that was before you find out.  Someone who is truly happy and content in a relationship will not cheat.  If they are disloyal it is because they do not value the relationship as they once did - if they ever did.  That change in mindset won't happen on the spur of the moment either, it will be premeditated.  How that manifests itself in actions however can vary.  Impulsive decisions whilst they can be dismissed as a slip, only occur when your footing is not certain.  For someone to slide down a hill they need to be standing on the slope already, or make the conscious choice to walk onto it.

In all scenarios the same conclusion is drawn.  The dynamic shifts and you both need to accept that.  You will need patience and you will need communication if you are to stay friends.  If you forego either, your friendship will breakup too.