Burden

I can be quite direct with people.  While some people respect that, others can find it hard to deal with.  The thing is though, I am comfortable with who I am and I don't want to change that.  One of the things that I have struggled with in my life is that I take things personally and I tend not to let things go easily.  What goes hand in hand with that is the trait of being vocal about my thoughts and feelings.  Despite being shy at first, those who get passed that initial barrier get to know the real me, uncensored and unfiltered.  The problem comes when there are things that for most people are better left unsaid, but for me, I struggle to realise that is the case.

How do you know when it is right to hold back?  While some people have a fear of opening up, I find myself more often gripped by the fear of bottling up.  This fear, as they so often are, is based on experience and more importantly the negative outcomes that went with that experience.  I bottled up many things when I was younger and they led to me falling apart inside while I smiled on the outside for the world to see.  The struggle there was real and I carried a weight on my shoulders every day that I blamed other people for but ultimately that weight was my own, I chose to carry it and deny anyone the opportunity to share the load.  When I eventually did open up the relief I felt caused a happiness I had never felt before, despite the nature of the burden I had shared.

The fear of sharing your burden like this is that you anticipate the other person will feel the weight and drop it and run the other way.  When they don't, and they actually stay by your side and help you carry it, that creates a bond between you that will never be broken.  Even if you stop speaking at some point for whatever reason, what they did for you will stay with you, no matter how mad you are at them or upset.  For those that drop the weight and run the other way they cause distrust and they nourish your fear making it grow.  In many ways the positivity I have gained from those that helped me carry my burden became addictive; to the point where the fear of holding anything back began to grow.  When your burden has been lightened you fear the possibility of it being made heavy once again.  This causes a desire to be as open as you can, even if that means losing people, because you would rather have people who will stand by you than people who would run at the first sign of struggle.  It is inevitable that life will make our burden heavier, we do not need to add to it ourselves too.

I am aware however that this is selfish.  The expectation that everyone must help you carry your burden is incredibly selfish.  Even if you intend to help them carry theirs it does not change the fact that you expect them to carry yours in return.  Not everyone is capable of carrying the same amount.  Our strengths both mentally and emotionally are limited just like our physical strength and just like our physical strength, what we have trained to lift will affect how much we can handle.  If you have this expectation you consign yourself to a fate where only those who are strong can stay in your life.  That's not exactly fair however.  It's also self destructive and encourages isolation and loneliness the heavier your burden become which in turn creates an ever increasing cycle of stress and anxiety that will ultimately break you.  This is because the heavier your burden becomes the less people there are who can handle that weight.  To borrow a phrase from a friend, the more intense you become the less people there are who can handle that intensity.

What is the solution then?  Well the only solution I can see is something which I have forgotten how to do - hold back.  Hold back on those who can not handle the weight, and open to those who can.  Do not expect everyone to be able to help you carry your burden, or even help you at all.  Allow people in your life who you know could not handle what you carry but never share that with them.  This does pose a problem with honesty however.  You would have to either hide it completely which will require deception, or admit there is a burden but not share what it is - this is difficult as most people will not accept that you can not tell them something for their own good, and they will want you to, even if they can't handle it; they'll want to try and carry it, even if the weight is too much.

I have forgotten how to hold back, but I think I need to learn again.  I have come to the realisation that fear can paralyse people, even when it stands in the way of something they want, the fear of losing something they never had to begin with is less than the fear of what it might mean.  This creates a barrier that they cannot overcome because they can't see beyond it.

There is a darker question still, which has been haunting me for a while.  That is, can you ever release someone of your burden?  How can you take it back if you think they can't handle it anymore?  Is that even possible?  Some things are best forgotten but they are often the things that are hardest to forget.  The hardest part of forgetting the things I have shared is that they are so integral to who I am that short of forgetting me entirely, I fear there's nothing I can do.  I really don't like saying goodbye to people.  People come and go that's a fact of life.  Some enter our lives just for a while and others stay for quite a bit longer.  People change, that's a fact of life.  Sometimes you grow apart, sometimes one grows too fast or too little.  Sometimes you don't change at all, the real you just becomes more visible and that's something they can't handle or vice versa.  The question though, is whether it is better to part, or fall apart...