Defining Reassurance

When someone believes a lie, you can scream the truth in their ear and they won't hear you.  That's quite poignant but it has a message that rings true, people will only change their mind on any given subject if they want to change their opinion.  If they don't want to then no amount of logic or reasoning will ever convince them of anything other than what they believe.

That distinction is hard to identify.  Mostly because it's quite ambiguous when someone genuinely wants to change their mind versus insincere open mindedness - the false projection of someone who is open minded, when in reality they only accept a position they deem to be defensible, they have no concern for logic and whether their position is - for lack of a better word - the 'right' position.  This is an inadequate description because right and wrong are subjective but the meaning is still conveyed.

The problem with all of this stops being a personal one when it starts impacting the lives of others.  The easiest example of this is a relationship where one partner gets an idea into their mind that they can't shake and they seek reassurance from the other.  When someone believes something that is not true, convincing them otherwise will only work if they are willing to change their mind.  If they aren't willing to change their mind then there is nothing in this instance that the other can say that will alleviate their concerns.

What this makes us realise is that reassurance is not given to us from someone else at all.  Reassurance is a perception that triggers a change in thought.  Reassurance is therefore an abstract concept like colour, it's a perception that is unique to you and can never be shared.  If you are concerned about something, and you seek reassurance from your partner and you then feel relief, what is actually happening here is that you have asked them to give you something to perceive, you then make the choice whether or not to change your thought process as a result.  In practice what this means is that the perception in and of itself is empty and meaningless.  Reassurance if you actually want it, has to come from within.  Ultimately you are the one who decides to change your mind, it has nothing in practice to do with your partner.

You can in some ways bring this down to an issue of authority and subsequently responsibility.  You ask your partner for reassurance because you want to shift the authority of the decision to change your mind onto someone else, and subsequently the responsibility for any and all repercussions and consequences that result.  If you are naturally authoritative therefore we can conclude that you would not ask for reassurance at all, you would just make the change in your thought process and accept responsibility for it yourself.  If you are naturally submissive then you will seek reassurance pretty much all the time because you will second guess everything you do.  This causes a slight disparity between partners in a relationship.  The authoritative partner needs to realise what is happening and extend their authority over the submissive partner and accept responsibility when it is requested through reassurance.  If they don't then the submissive partner will stagnate in their thought process and end up going around in circles.

If two authoritative partners get together, there may be power struggles if one attempts to extend their authority over the other partner when it is not wanted.  If they respect each other's boundaries then two authoritative partners can have a relationship in this model.  Likewise an authoritative and submissive pairing can work too if the realisation is there.

Two submissive partners however poses a few major problems, first and more glaring is the issue of who makes decisions if neither one is willing to accept the responsibility of doing so.  If two submissive partners are in a relationship and one partner seeks reassurance and does not get it from the other, the natural response here is that the cause of their worry will fester and grow.

I must point out here, authoritative and submissive in this context refers to the social interaction between partners, there is no inference of sexual roles in this model. 

The key point I want to make here is that if you are an authoritative partner, you need to recognise whether your partner is too or if they are submissive.  If they are submissive and they seek reassurance then you need to recognise that as a prompt, requesting authority.