Self Acceptance

This post is not an attempt to garner pity, it's just the way I feel at the moment and like many of my posts I am writing it so that I can process my feelings and share them with the world.

Many people say that when you date you have very high expectations when you are younger or high standards and that the older you get the lower the standards get as you compromise more in an effort to "settle" for Mr Good enough as opposed to Mr Right.

I should point out I am referring to relationships here not sex specifically as with sex the opposite tends to be true especially in the Gay community - i.e. start slutty and become more reserved as you age.  I also note that not everyone is the same and there will always be exceptions.

For me however in regards to potential partners my expectations have gone up with age rather than down.  I am worried about what that will mean for me.  I don't like referring to them as "standards" but it is the convention so I will observe it.  The reason my standards have gone up with age is because I've accepted myself more as I have got older.  I have a lot of issues, and I can't pretend anymore that I can handle them alone because I can't.

When I am on my own I get by with my issues.  When you introduce other people though you need to be sure they can handle them too.  I used to be naive and think I could be with someone and forget everything.  That is unrealistic.  My issues do cause problems and they affect trust and communication which are the cornerstones of any relationship.

I've come to accept that I'm not an easy person to love and I'm not an easy person to handle.  I am hard work and although I don't think of myself as being high maintenance, I can see why others would think I am.

As negative as all this sounds, I don't mean it to be so, not at all.  The truth is right now I feel indifferent, not happy or sad.  This is quite numbing.

I give much more than I get with people though.  As much as I am hard work and as much devotion you would need to be with me you would get far more in return.  I am one of the kindest most caring people you will ever meet.  Nicknamed bleeding heart by some, my compassion is often my undoing.  I can see both sides of most arguments and I am not unreasonable.  I play devil's advocate quite a bit too.

Those who have got close to me have told me they are closer to me than anyone else in their lives, family included.  I am open and honest and I am easy to talk to, easy to get along with, and easy to confide in.  I know when to shut up and listen.

I know who I am though.  I know what I have been through and how it has shaped me as a person.  I know the scars I carry and I know the pain I still feel.  I used to think that anyone with time and effort could handle that.  I was wrong and many people have shown me that.  There have been those that walked away early, those that made it far but both left in the end.  There too have been those that have managed to stay in my life despite all they know and how hard it has been they have stood by me.  In an ideal world I would be with them.  For various reasons that will never be.  Which I am okay with.  Even if I had the opportunity now I would not take it.  That ship has sailed.

The reason I wrote this post is because I have come to the conclusion that if I ever find a guy to be with and for it to work out then he'll have to be one helluva guy.  Very few could handle what I have been through.  Right now that feels very unlikely.  Which makes me feel sad, but it's something I will just have to accept.

I wish I hadn't been through all that I have.  I wish I was normal.  My life would be so much easier.  I don't want this to be the reason I am single for the rest of my life.  I fear it will be though.  I don't use the word alone here because I'm not alone, and I am not lonely.  I have friends that I love and they love me.  I've also said goodbye or parted ways not so amicably with a few.  I harbour no resentment however because as arrogant as it may sound, it was their loss not mine.

If you love someone and they walk away, don't feel sad about losing them, if they truly loved you they would have stayed; feel pity for them instead, for they have lost someone who loved them, and in the end that's a greater loss.

I retain hope that one day I'll meet someone who makes me believe and restores my faith.  Right now I've lost my way.  It feels like I will be single forever and I don't know how to feel about that.