I Give Up

I had a post written for today about a show I used to watch called Angels In America, but there was something on my mind I thought I would write about instead.  I'm listening to The Carpenters 'Goodbye To Love' and my mind is dwelling on many things.  With the new year a lot of aspirations and desires inflate our sense of self, and the best of intentions lead us to set goals for ourselves in the form of resolutions.  January however inevitably becomes a month of depression for many people when they struggle to achieve those goals.  For me in a way that's what is happening, but it is not only the fact that it is a new year that has brought me to this point, it is also the realisation of how much time has passed since key moments in my life.  The most prominent of which for me is graduating University - come June this will have been 7 years ago, and nothing about my life as it is right now is how I imagined it would be by now.

I'm a single gay man, I have never had a serious relationship, not for the lack of trying.  My environment at University was a lot more liberal, living in London.  Where I live now I am surrounded by religion and the risk of homophobia is very high.  There are 27 churches within a 1 mile radius of my house.  The people here are quite conservative in their attitudes, there isn't a gay bar for 40 miles, there are no pride marches, no LGBT societies, and dating sites don't represent this area specifically, those that do are barren.  One of the few ways to actually find gay guys here is through apps like Grindr which you can imagine leaves your outlook quite bleak.  Beyond my dating life, in terms of employment I have not had a job related to my degree, and I haven't been able to find a job that suits my skill set.  I have had some success in this area but it's been short lived each time.  The local economy isn't exactly strong though, looking online for jobs in the area there are less than 30 today and none of them are suitable.  This isn't me being picky either, most of these jobs require formal qualifications I do not have, and the remainder ask for years of experience which again I don't have.  I have applied to many of these before only to be rejected.

Rejection has become a recurring theme in my life and it's beginning to weigh down on my outlook on life.  My expectations are lowering every day and I'm coming to the point where I don't believe anything will ever change so I've lost the will to even try.  I deleted my profiles on just about every site I used, and every app too.  While there was an element of glee in uninstalling Grindr, it wasn't for the reason I had hoped it would be.  I feel insecure about so many things, right now, the only way I can see to regain any sense of security is to do what I have always done when I feel like this, to become reclusive and to devote all of my energy to myself and nothing else.  In many ways this is a resignation from life as it is too much to handle.

What I normally do when I enter this mindset is throw myself into the things I enjoy doing.  I enjoy writing, and I find it helps to articulate my emotions through the use of characters, and constructs that offer a form of ventriloquism.  That and to write expressive pieces like this one that take the thoughts flying around in my head and formulate them into a cohesive work.

I give up.  On Grindr.  On Dating Sites.  On Social Networking.  On wasting my energy chasing dreams that are never going to come true. 

I don't have a question of the day for you today.  Instead I'll just leave you with this: