Depression

When I write, it's usually as a form of self therapy.  It helps me articulate the thoughts inside my head.  It also lets me say things without actually saying them out loud, which is sometimes a good thing because it's easier to write some things than to openly admit them.  This post for example is something that is a lot easier to write than it is to say and a lot easier to put out there on a blog for complete strangers to read than it is to discuss with actual people.

Depression is something that I've had to fight in my life.  I've gone through it a few times.  I say a few, because in between those periods I have been what I would consider normal for me; some would argue that depression never actually goes away though, and I can see why some people look at it in that way.  I'm not going to argue who is right on that for two reasons, first I don't have the energy, and second, I don't actually care who is right or wrong as far as that's concerned it doesn't change anything.  I've been depressed for many reasons, some of which I have hinted at and some of which I have made no allusions to in my writing on this blog.

When I started this blog it was because I wanted to start fresh.  I wanted to start with a clean slate and try and keep a positive spin on everything but that's proven very hard for me to do.  Negativity has been something that I focus on in life and while many would say I am wrong to do that, the thing is, in my mind, negativity is a problem, and problems need to be resolved.  If I can resolve the problems then I'll be left with nothing but positivity.  That's been the way I've lived my life and it's worked for me this far.  I know some people focus on the positives in life and never think of the negatives; the problem with that which I can see - again, me focusing on the negative - is that they live their lives in an almost complete state of denial, ignoring everything negative and when they do find them in a position where they have to deal, they can't handle it.

I've had people label me the grim reaper before, for the fact that I always look at the negative issues in any situation.  I don't do it to bring people down, I do it to fill in the cracks in the foundation so you have something solid to build upon.  I have an analytical mind, I look for the weak spots in things so I can make them stronger.  Not everyone who gets to know me sees my outlook as something to fear.  I've helped many people through some of the most difficult times in their lives because I've helped them resolve the things that brought them down.  That's a double edged sword however because you inevitably become the person everyone comes to with their problems looking for help and support.  While I give all I can and have so many through so much, when it comes to moments of weakness where I can't resolve my own problems, I fall.

It's in these moments that I become reclusive.  I shut out the world and I don't want to speak to anyone.  The only people that get anywhere near me in those moments are the people who either I know I can trust with my life, or people I know won't take any offense at all if I just up and say "Can you leave me alone?" - people who don't take that to mean "Never come back" but understand it to mean "I need space" and give me it, but come back to check on me, because I know they care.  The people who take it personally or who never come back are people that I've said goodbye to in my life and I've never looked back.  In the end I give much more than I get with people and the people I love who love me know this to be true.  If I can help I will do all that I can to help you - this has been such a defining part of who I am that complete strangers have embraced me, opened to me, trusted me, and in a few cases even helped me.

Depression is often depicted as a dark cloud, as something hanging over you up in the air.  That's partly true, it is a dark cloud but it's not floating up there in the sky.  Depression is best described as the dark clouds descending until they envelope you in a dense dark fog that clouds your vision.  Everyone has problems, everyone has ups and downs, good days and bad days - like the weather some days are clear and sunny and others are overcast.  It's not accurate to consider depression a cloud in the sky because that makes it seem like it's just the inability to deal with your problems.  That's not the case, it's much more than that.  I can deal with a lot of shit, and for all the shit I have been through it's a miracle I can have good days at all.  Depression is not just about having things that are hard to handle.  You can have no problems in your life at all and still end up depressed. 

I also really hate the people that say depression is just boredom.  I don't even have the energy to get into how many things are wrong with that sentence right now, all I can say is anyone who says that has never been through depression or has a complete lack of understanding.

My dark clouds are starting to lift and I feel myself waking up again.  Slowly things are getting easier to handle again.