Moving On

I bought a new computer as my old one was beginning to wear, I could tell it was on its last legs - that and I needed a new rig for development anyway as I have a few projects I need to work on.  When I moved over my data I lost all of my ratings and play counts on the music in my library on iTunes.  There's about 5,000 tracks in my current library - I have more which are archived, mainly things I don't listen to any more.  Re-rating the music in my library has made me rediscover a lot and inevitably that's brought back a lot of memories.  Lyrics mean a lot to me, and certain songs become inexorably linked to people in my past.  From music that was bought for me, reminding me of the person that bought it, to music I bought at particular times in my life, reminding me of the places I've been and the people I knew.  It's amazing how you can relive those moments.

One track made me think of one person in particular.  I said goodbye to them last year, because of an argument.  We didn't speak for about 9 months.  We spoke again for a few weeks but it didn't last as arguments pretty much over the same thing caused us to part ways again.  The entire experience has brought home the realisation that nostalgia really does paint over the cracks.  We remember people as they were, not as what they became.  We remember moments for the feelings they give us now, but not for the what we felt at the time.  A 'happy time' in your life, (at least for me) I have come to realise is a time I can look back on with happiness, not necessarily a time when I felt happiness.  I think that has a lot to do with the fact that when I was younger I never really appreciated the moment, instead I was forever focused on "what comes next"; I think the older you become the more you appreciate the moment and the more you begin to look back and long for the moments you missed, rather than looking forward and longing for something that might never happen.  I think of this as the mind coming to the realisation of probability, that is to say, the past is certain and the future is uncertain.  So in terms of probability the past is a better thing to bet on.  If you want to long for anything you long for the past and hope that you can one day relive that, or better it.

The problem with that, is that it's still misdirection.  It still draws your attention away from here and now and makes you focus on something unattainable, something that you can't actually relive.  You can try and recreate it but it will never be quite the same as it was.  The past, is a dream, and our memories are simply dreams that have already come true - and it does not do well to dwell on dreams and forget to live.  Dreams invariably paint reality as ideal and perfect - conversely our nightmares depict it as the opposite.  Either way this fixation steals your attention away from the present and away from living life itself.  There can be many motivations for wanting to do that, which I won't go into right now because it's not relevant.  My recent experience of reconnection, and the undeniable reality of who this person has become has reminded me that some things are better left to the imagination and to idle fantasy. 

Nevertheless waking up is the hard part.  Letting go of the idea that you can ever return to your idealised notions of the past.  We put off going to bed in the pursuit of doing everything that we want or need to do; when we finally sleep, the dreams we experience and the comfort that embraces us are like a drug, filling us with sweet intoxication and pure inebriation.  Waking up is the same as withdrawal, five more minutes that's all we want but even when we get it we want more.

People have joked about our best days being behind us, and that used to get to me because I refused to accept that.  The older I've become however the more that thought dwells in my mind and the question lingers - Is that really what life is all about?  All uphill until you experience your happiest moment and then all down hill from there?  I thought life was meant to be a roller-coaster?  It's not very exciting if there's only one rise and fall.