Confrontation

Confrontation involves a number of elements, the three most important of these are the trigger, the motivation, and the resolution.

When confrontation is triggered it is usually something small or insignificant that triggers the confrontation.  To be clear here the type of confrontation we are talking about is interpersonal, not international or civil.  When confrontation happens between two or more people it is easy to look at the trigger and think the reaction is disproportionate.  This is an over simplification however and completely dismisses the motivation behind the confrontation in the first place.  Triggers are for the most part irrelevant, because in their absence another trigger would eventually be found and would cause the same confrontation.

You need to understand what is behind the confrontation to understand why it escalates.  If you only focus on the trigger you'll repeat the confrontation because the trigger is rarely the same twice; however the reasons behind the confrontation usually are though.  It is important to understand what the confrontation is actually about by understanding the motivation, if you only focus on the trigger and then avoid that trigger, another will take its place and you'll be destined to repeat it.  Until you understand the motivations, you'll keep having that argument over and over.

The easiest way to understand the motivations behind the confrontation is to query it after all parties involved have calmed down.  Trying to resolve conflict in the middle of that conflict will not work because every word is amplified.  Instead you must wait until all parties have settled down; it can be tempting during that period of false peace to accept it in the hope that conflict will not reoccur but as we said above this is a false sense of security.  You must query all parties and listen to what they have to say.  You must identify the underlying motivations of each party for engaging in confrontation.

Once you understand the motivations it is only then that you can try and find a resolution to the conflict.  Otherwise confrontation will reoccur.  Understanding the motivations of confrontation can be incredibly complex.  The most important thing to remember in this endeavour is to discard preconceived notions and actually listen to the reasons each party gives because in most cases confrontation is rarely over superficial motivation, and usually the result of underlying issues.

You would think all of this would be obvious and that people would actually know and understand these principles but again this is rarely the case.  Nowhere is this more evident than on social media as you see people engage regularly in confrontations over all manner of issues and subject matter, the underlying motivations of those conflicts are rarely about the superficial debates being waged.  Arguments over differences in political ideology at their core come down to self doubt and insecurity over the possibility that they might be wrong.  If you are completely secure in your belief then you should not need to attack anyone who holds a differing belief than your own.  When someone holding an opposing view is sufficient motivation for you to try and change their point of view to the point where you are willing to engage in confrontation to try and achieve this, ultimately the only person you are trying to convince is yourself.  True epiphany and revelation do not occur under duress.  You will never change someone's mind willingly by forcing your point of view onto them - that is coercion and the very same method of indoctrination used by most cults.