I know what your problem is

Most people go through bouts of introspection where they take a step back from their lives, usually when things aren't going to plan, and ask themselves if they are doing something wrong.  In these moments we look at our lives and analyse what we say and do and think about our present and our past and how we feel our words and actions have shaped our lives.  In these moments we often look back at friendships and relationships that went wrong and wonder why they went wrong, what it was that they or we did exactly.

While we all experience this, our introspection is ultimately incapable of being truly objective, we always have a bias towards our own actions and a desire to believe that we did the right thing.  Even when looking back and knowing it was wrong, we like to give the excuse that we thought it was right at the time, so we dismiss the guilt we should feel for the mistakes we made.  The problem with doing this is that without accepting the responsibility for our actions we are forever destined to repeat them.  If we always say that we did what we thought was right at the time we completely write off the learning process and dismiss what we should have learned from the experience and perpetuate the belief that if we continue to do what we think is right then we will live a life without regret and without guilt.

We might not feel regret or guilt because we convince ourselves we shouldn't, but if we know what we did was wrong and we never learn from it, we will repeat our actions resulting in the same negative outcomes and still show no guilt nor regret.

While our introspection is biased, the same analytical mindset is a lot more objective when we apply it to others.  While we may ask ourselves what we are doing wrong and convince ourselves we aren't doing anything wrong and that we are just doing the best we can, when we look at others we can much more clearly define the actions that are causing much of the worry, anxiety, or negative consequences that those people have to endure.

I've seen this in a few people, and I openly admit here that the whole point of this post is about me not them.  Using these people as examples I have seen them repeatedly complain about aspects of their life that they aren't happy with, in particular their relationships both amorous and amicable.  When I look at the way they treat other people, the way they talk to others, and the way they talk to me, I can see exactly why people wouldn't like them.  I know the impression they give is not what they intend yet that's how it looks and how I would interpret it if I didn't know them.  It's because of this that I wonder how to break down the bias we show when we analyse ourselves.

If we can look at another person, their words, their actions, their behaviours, and know exactly why people see them the way they do, why can't we do that to ourselves?  Why can the behaviours that deter others be so blatantly obvious to us when we look at other people, yet when it comes to ourselves we are almost blind?

I know the people I refer to above are completely oblivious to the way they present themselves.  I also know that I'm not as close to them as I would need to be in order to actually tell them - if I did now, it would likely be met with hostility.  That beggars the question, if that's the reason I don't tell them what is obvious to me, are there others who see my faults and my negative behaviours with such equal clarity, who for the same reasons never say a word to me about them, out of fear of a hostile reaction?

How can you get close enough to someone who will be willing and able to tell you the truth about your behaviour if that very behaviour is the reason people don't try to get close to you in the first place?

I know what your problem is, but do you know what mine is?