How are you?

There's a fine line to walk between what people can take and what you can give.  The two aren't always equal, and when you are someone like me, who doesn't really hold back, there's a consciousness you have to hold when you meet new people for the first time.  That line is defined by a question, which version of "you" do you want them to know?  The real you?  Or the outer shell of you?

This isn't about deception, or the desire to mislead people, or even the desire to be something you're not.  It's not even about sexuality, although arguably there are parallels there for people still in the closet.  What I am actually talking about is that line between answers given to the question "How are you?" there's two answers you can give really, one is a short answer, usually a pleasantry, that you don't really mean "Yea, I'm good thanks", a shallow reply, the other is the actual answer, how you really feel, what you really think, the depth.  Which we give tends to rely on whether we think the question was asked with a genuine interest in the answer, or just someone making small talk.

Personally this is something I have always struggled with.  I'm not very good at pretending I am okay, when I am really not.  I'm not very good at pretending there's nothing on my mind when there is - I tend to be a lot quieter than usual and people that know me well know straight away something is going on inside my head.  I'm not very good at holding back when I have an interest in things.  When I was a kid, my greatest aspiration was to know everything about everything.  I realised as I grew that this wasn't possible, so I settled for knowing as much as I could about the things that interest me.  As a result I ask a lot of questions, and I find it hard when to know when to stop.

When I ask people how they are, it's because I'm genuinely interested in the answer.  The real answer, I don't care about the face you present to the rest of the world, I can see through that.  I learned a long time ago people don't like it when they know you can, so I tend not to comment on it, I just bear it in mind.  There's a song I love called "I See Right Through To You" and it's something I've tried to do with people I meet, I try to ignore what they present to the rest of the world and actually look at the person.  I try to ignore what other people say about them because I know how wrong people have been about me and I know how detached from the shell a person's core can actually be.

I find it hard to feign interest in things I am not interested in - which is part of the reason I realised it would never be practical to know everything about everything, apart from the issue of the magnitude of that task, the reality that some things will be boring as hell to you hits you quite early. 

With all this in mind, I know that the things I am interested in aren't going to appeal to everyone.  That's part of the reason why I don't see a point in hiding them.  I prefer to be honest about the things that interest me and accept that some people will have zero interest, and I don't mind that, because I know there will be some people out there that are interested, and to be honest I'd rather talk about my interests with people that share them than try and make someone talk about them who doesn't care.

That doesn't mean I write off people that don't share my interest though, and it doesn't mean they have to share mine in reciprocation if I happen to share theirs.  I don't think polar opposites ever truly exist.  No matter how different two people can seem, there will be something, somewhere, that they are both interested in.

The thing that sparked this entire post off was a reflection on the nature of the topics I write about here.  I've been reading other peoples' blogs and they all have themes, narratives that loosely, or tightly, link their posts together, whereas this blog is basically a prime example of cognitive dissonance and disarray.  On the other hand though, that does reflect me as a person.  I have a wide range of interests and I have a wide range of beliefs, many of which on the face of it conflict with each other.  I like the description "a swirling mass of contradictions" - it doesn't all make sense or tie together, but, that's life really, there will be times when every day feels the same and other times when you'll find yourself in situations you never saw coming.

2016 has been a year of uncertainty.  Some will roll their eyes here, but I'm a Taurus, and while I don't put a lot of stock in horoscopes one thing I do identify with is the stubbornness of the Bull, the disdain for change and upheaval, and the understanding that a Bull can be intimidating to people that don't know it.  I am under no allusion, some people who don't know me can find me hard to take, or just too much.  This year has been a year of uncertainty which was a change for me and I didn't like that.  In time though I've become a lot more comfortable with it because in a way, having constant uncertainty, actually provides a degree of certainty. 

So the question "How are you?" the short answer, is "I'm okay, thanks" and the long answer, is this entire post.  I'm actually smiling for the first time in ages.