You're not OK

I don't like it when people tell me what I am thinking or what I am feeling because the majority of times when people do it they're wrong.  In reality those people tell me what they think I am thinking or feeling rather than actually listening to me, or asking me.  I know how frustrating this can be to be on the receiving end of, because it is patronising when other people think they know you better than you know yourself.  That's the preface to this post.

On the flip side there are times when we delude ourselves.  When we convince ourselves we are okay when in reality we are really not.  Those who know us well can usually see right through this facade because we behave in a way that betrays what we say.  We say we're fine but we are quieter than usual or we say we're feeling great and we put on a smile for the world to see but they see us when we think no-one is looking and they can see we're not happy.

Right now I feel pretty level, not ecstatic but not despairing.  In this mindset I am quieter than usual and a lot more observant.  I look at other people closer than I normally would.  I've been in this position many times in my life and it has taught me a lot about other people and their behaviour.  You will never hear more than when you stop speaking.  What I have struggled with however is knowing how to approach someone when I can see they're not okay.  I don't know how to avoid being patronising.  I know people say just to ask how someone feels and talk to them but in my experience people are generally reluctant to speak about their feelings when they aren't positive.  "I'm fine" is a difficult response to handle when you know it's a lie.

Mental Health is an issue that has become more prominent in recent years in the UK but in many ways I feel it is still taboo.  The negative connotations outweigh the desire for a positive path forward for many; the dark clouds of negativity swirl and descend into a spiral that stops people from seeing the light, hiding blue skies with a vortex comprised of everything that's weighing them down.  Words like "depressed" aren't taken with weight and are dismissed by many as synonymous with words like "tired", "bored", and "sad", to name but a few.  A lack of understanding breeds ignorance of the true nature of depression, that it's more than these words, that it's not something you can talk yourself out of or go down the pub and have a few drinks with mates and you'll be fine.

When these issues go undiagnosed the impact they have on our lives are deepened with time.  Like most conditions they become harder to treat if left unchecked.  To that end a new paradigm is needed when it comes to mental health.  Not just in terms of how we diagnose conditions, or treat them, but in the way we see them in society as a whole.  We need to break away from the mentality that doesn't treat this as a serious issue.  We need to break away from the mentality that we can't say "I'm not okay" without feeling shame or feeling weak.  Above all this we need to break away from the mentality of hostility we hold when people say we're not okay.  If I can do anything to change the way people look at mental health then at the very least I can do that.  To recognise that if someone says it to me, it's not because they are trying to be patronising but because they care enough to say it and because they see something in me that makes them feel concern.  That's not something I or anyone else should be discouraging.

So if you are okay, and someone thinks you're not, then let them know, but thank them for their concern.  If you think someone is not okay, then talk to them, share your concern, and if they react negatively as I have done in the past, do not let it discourage you from showing that same concern for others.  Don't ignore your instincts, trust them, and if you care about someone, no matter who they are, no matter how close you are then show them.