Measured With Love

I had never seen the musical Rent, nor the movie adaptation until the end of last year.  I know some people will decry me for that, particularly as a gay man - which is a topic for a post in and of itself so we'll cover that later.  I watched the movie adaptation as that's the only option open to me at the moment although I would not mind seeing it on stage as I rather enjoyed it.  One musical number posed the question of how you measure a year, which made me think about how we measure life; I've thought about this many times but one thing the number suggested is to measure a year in love.  So this post is my attempt to measure my own life in terms of love.

Before romantic love, and before platonic love from friends, the first love I experienced like most people was love from my family.  My parents care for me deeply and have tried to do the best they could by me.  As a kid I was blissfully unaware of the sacrifices they made for me, but as I look back on all they did I am grateful for every single one and I know how lucky I am.  My parents are still together, they've been happily married for 34 years.  Their relationship was and still is a model that I aspire to find one day - except with a guy of course.  They were each never married to anyone else, they met when they were young and they've spent their lives together.  I want to get married some day, and when I do I won't do it unless there is no shadow of a doubt in my mind that they are the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.  I want marriage to be a commitment to one another, treating each other as equals, with love and respect.

That desire to treat others with respect and to treat them as equal is something that stayed with me through my life.  It is I believe what has led me to form lasting friendships.  My oldest friend I met when I was 5 years old, I'm now 28, and we are very different people.  Despite our differences we've always been friends and I can't imagine anything that would ever change that.  I don't hold on to friendships that I don't see as being respectful or as being reciprocated.  In terms of the latter I simply mean that I must feel like you want me to be part of your life, if I don't feel that you do, I'm not going to make you stay in mine.  I don't indulge in false platitudes, insincere compliments, and lip service.  "We should hang our sometime" are words that will never cross my lips unless it's actually meant, even then I'm likely to be more direct and ask you to do something or go somewhere.  My reluctance to indulge in these is something that some people say makes me socially awkward, and I used to find that unnerving but with age I've come to accept and openly admit that yes, it is.  People that know me well, know what to expect from me, and those that want to know me better, should understand I appreciate directness.  You don't need to beat around the bush with me.

The depth of love I hold for my friends and they hold for me is borne of a bond formed by the comfort and the reassurance that you don't have to pretend to be something you're not.  I value honesty and openness, and think the strongest relationships are formed when communication is clear and unambiguous.  If you want to be left alone you can say it.  If you don't want to go out and would rather stay in and binge on a series with pizza and drinks then say that - if anything I'd prefer the latter. 

When it comes to romantic love there have been a fair few unrequited loves but in terms of meeting someone who I loved in that way and who loved me in that way?  That's not happened for me.  To be clear I mean an actual committed relationship with someone I've actually spent time with for any extended period.  I still have hope of course, but I also have patience.  I'd rather wait than take a relationship of convenience where one or the other, or both, know that it won't last -  to me that's not a foundation for a healthy relationship.