I feel...

I feel... I feel.  I don't know if there's a word for what I feel right now, if there is it escapes me.  Today I saw someone I haven't spoken to in over 3 years and while she shared some very happy news with me she also shared something that completely caught me off guard.  I wasn't expecting it at all.  Someone I used to work with has been dead for over a year and I had no idea at all.  The circumstances I won't go into out of respect for him but suffice to say he was in his early 30s and that saying is true you never know what people are going through.

I don't know what I feel right now.  I have a lot of questions in my mind many of which I will never know the answer to, neither will anyone else.  I find myself at a loss for words and yet at the same time my mind is racing with a million thoughts that I can't string together into anything coherent.  I feel like I have been hit on the head, dazed and confused, trying to process something which I don't even know it's even possible to process. 

So much of what I thought I once knew is being rewritten, things are changing not just the present and the future as the last year has been tumultuous, but now my past is even being rewritten and it feels like I'm a character in a science fiction novel where someone went back in time and fucked something up that's caused an alternate future, where only I remember the way it used to be.  I guess on the flip-side you could argue that my perception of reality has been wrong all along and that the things which I perceive as changing are in fact the way they always were I was just blind to it.  I would find that easier to accept as an explanation if it weren't for the fact that I know I am not alone in looking back and seeing things change.  Whilst I have only learned about what happened today, my fried found out months ago and since we weren't in contact we never had a chance to talk - it was only a chance encounter that actually saw us meet today.  Nevertheless she too expressed her shock and disbelief at what had happened.

The world around us is something we like to think of as constant, but really the only constancy is the existence of a world to perceive.  Our perceptions of it, more and more, are proving to be unexpectedly fluid.  What we know is only what we know now, it is not what we knew and will forever know, it is only what we know now.  That revelation has led me to a very uncomfortable position where I'm questioning the very nature of "truth" - the thought of "alternative facts" is something that turned my stomach when I first heard it but, in moments like this, where your entire perception of people, places, and experiences, fundamentally shifts and what you believed to be true and what all evidence pointed towards being true, suddenly becomes false, and an alternate explanation is presented that is retrospectively reinforced with evidence that could never have been known at the time... - that whole thought process and where it leads is deeply disturbing.

What is truth?