I'm taking a break

I would usually write several posts for this blog at a time, save each one, read it again at a later date and if I like it then schedule it to be posted.  I tend to do this in bursts where I write about 6 or 7 posts at a time.  Over time this amounts to a buffer of content that will be published, which frees up my time so I don't have to come back at a set time to write posts.  It also means that I can harness my creativity when it flows and write what comes to mind, allowing me to create content that doesn't feel like it was rushed through just to be ready for a set date or that I wrote about anything at all just to have something to post.

That is how this usually goes but lately a few things have made this complicated.  First and foremost is my personal health.  For the past 9 weeks I have been sick.  You wouldn't think it to look at the posting schedule here, but some people may have noticed I have been a little quieter than usual on twitter and whatsapp.  The truth is I have been exhausted.  I had hoped it would pass and I would get back to full speed but the opposite has happened and I've been slowing down even more.  My buffered content is all published now and I've had to make a decision about what to do next.

I won't be updating this blog for a while.  I can't say for how long because I honestly don't know.  I toyed with writing a post that would go through everything I have been through the past 9 weeks in detail but it reveals more about my personal life than I want to at this point so this is the abridged version.

I first felt sick 9 weeks ago, which I thought would pass.  It didn't, and after 3 weeks I made an appointment to see Dr #1.  He didn't know what it was but did a few tests and an examination.  A week later I got the results of those tests with Dr #2, and still no wiser.  I was advised to rest and still not prescribed anything for the pains I was having and the difficulty breathing that had developed.  5 weeks in and I see Dr #3, who decides to do more tests, and another examination.  Another week later I get results and still none the wiser.

Week 7 and I see Dr #4. At this point I've been tested for about 12 different things, I've had an ECG, blood tests, urine samples, oxygen tests, and I've had every orifice prodded and poked and still nothing.  I'm told my liver is fine, my heart is fine, my lungs are fine, I dont have diabetes, I don't have a thyroid, I don't have rheumatoid arthritis, my blood tests are unusual but nothig beyond flu-like, and still no prescriptions and no treatments.  After insisting there's definitely something wrong with my lungs I get sent for an X-Ray of my chest.  Week 8 and I see Dr #4 for the results of my chest X-Ray and indeed they have found something.  After 8 weeks they finally think they have an idea of what it is, and it's a condition called Sarcoidosis.

Basically there's no known cause of Sarcoidosis but it is suspected to be caused by trigger infections, which would match up with the initial symptoms I had that were similar to food poisoning.  I was infected with something, no idea what that was, no idea if it's still in my body - but from the inflamation markers in my blood tests it would appear it's still there but weakening.  Whatever it is comes back in waves so there's been a few times it's as if it's gone, and then came back.

Either way that's not the main concern.  The main concern is what followed.  When the body detected that infection it began fighting it off, except it never stopped.  The immune response persists, to the point where the immune system begins to attack the body itself, in my case it's affecting my lungs and my joints primarily.

It's been 9 weeks now, and during that time a wide range of symptoms have come and gone, some returned in waves and left again.  Those include, headache, cough, fever, sweats, nausea, diarrhoea, neuralgia, constipation, dizziness, shortness of breath, exhaustion, insomnia, fatigue, black vomit, difficulty moving, joint pains, muscle aches, and rapid weight loss.

The symptoms that have persisted the most throughout this whole experience are the joint pains, muscle aches, difficulty moving, and shortness of breath.

After 9 weeks I finally have a prescription to take care of the aches and pains at the very least but the other symptoms come and go and the shortness of breath is the most irritating, but I have no treatment options for that rght now.  My brain is fried, from the lack of sleep, the fatigue, the tablets, and the point of outright exhaustion which I reach before being able to achieve something that even remotely resembles sleep.  I don't feel like myself at the moment for many reasons, and I certainly don't feel creative.  I can't do much at the moment and that's frustrating.  I get out of breath whenever I attempt even simple physical activities and I get out of breath at random times sitting doing nothing.  I get moments I feel like I'm being choked and I have to cough but nothing moves when I do.  At its worst it can be hard to have a simple conversation with someone without getting breathless which just feels incredulous.

At the same time I do recognise I need rest.  I've had to give up a lot of commitments and I've reached a point now where I feel drained pretty much all the time.

In terms of how long this is going to last, I have no idea.  I'm waiting to see a consultant for more scans and tests.  I believe the next one is a PET scan to see if there are granulomas in my lungs or if my breathing problems are related to swollen glands.  I also need more tests before a diagnosis of Sarcoidosis can actually be given, there's still a chance it's not that, at which point I'll be left clueless as to what it could be yet again.

I'm tired.  Mentally, physically, and emotionally, I am so tired.