Waiting

I'm finding it hard to cope with life at the moment.  To be blunt, I don't have the energy to do very much and that's really getting to me.  In my previous post I spoke about my health problems that I am going through.  As an update to that post, I am still waiting to see a consultant.  My aches and pains have varied in waves; at the moment I'm going through a resurgence, they had weakened for a time and they are now increasing again.

The pains alone would be manageable as I am taking medication which for the moment is still effective.  The trouble is I have no energy and feel tired all the time.  In the last five days I have slept between 12 and 14 hours asleep each day.  The longest has been 16, and the shortest has been 10.  I'm starting to spend more time asleep than I am awake and that's really making life difficult.

Sleeping so much leaves me little time to do much when I am awake, before we even get to the persistent breathing problems that are making even the simplest physical activity strenuous.

I'm tired.  Not just physically but mentally too.  While all of this is happening to me, I am aware of other people going through health troubles, those range from trivial issues right through to Cancer.  The latter of which took me by surprise when I found out their diagnosis.

I'm struggling to hold onto the positives in life right now and I'm finding less and less places to turn to try and find them.  That's making life depressing, and I don't mean in the melodramatic exaggerations of sadness, I mean genuine depression.  I've been through it years ago and I recognize much of what is happening to me but that hasn't helped me to stop it or overcome it.  If anything it is fueling anxiety that it is inevitable.  I feel myself being enveloped in darkness, like the dark clouds that had covered the sky have started to descend and shroud my view to the point where I can see nothing before me.

I wish I could end this post on a happy note but there's really nothing I can offer.  My life at the moment revolves around waiting.  Waiting for Doctors, waiting for results, waiting for medications to kick in, and sleep.  No matter how much I sleep I don't feel rested, I don't feel refreshed.