Memory

I don't know if I believe in destiny, the idea that where you end up is predetermined and that you have no control over the path.  I don't like the idea that your choices don't mean anything, despite the fact that we are sand on the beach in comparison to the size of this Universe and the magnitude of our lives can't be that great.  Despite all of this I do wonder whether destiny's sisters, the fates, do have a hand in our lives.  The difference being that certain things will happen no matter what you do, but as opposed to the idea of A and B being set, instead A and Z are up to you, but B and C and D etc will happen at some point, and no matter what you do the Universe will compensate to ensure those fixed points still happen.

If I entertain this idea, it puts my mind into a reflective mentality, one that looks back rather than forward.  If fate exists, I don't want to know what my fate is as I can't change that, but rather I'd like to know what impact my life thus far has had both on myself and on others.  I'd like to look back at the things I have done and the people I have known and ask fate what I did, or how I helped or hindered those I was destined to meet and what impact I had on their lives.

There's a song by Dannii Minogue called Disremembrance and one of the lyrics is the question "If I forget myself, will you remember me?" - this is the question that enters my mind when looking back on my life.  I look back to all the people I knew, and I realise that there are so many I cannot recall now.  When I first left school I could recall the names of my classmates, but now when I look back on the classrooms I spent so much of my life sitting in, half of the seats are empty.  I know someone sat in each seat, but I cannot recall who they were, what they looked like, not even a name.  I do wonder how many people who knew me, have forgotten me.

Some people want to leave a legacy, they want to achieve great things in life and have their name known, or have statues built in their honour.  I never really desired any of that.  My curiosity is simply that.  If people I knew have forgotten me, I would not lose heart, after all I can't remember so many.  I do find the nature of memory fascinating, that in the moment something can be so important and so relevant that you know it back to front and inside out, yet as time progresses you can completely forget things.  I've forgotten entire people - although to be fair I didn't know any of them outside of school so that probably plays a greater part in recollection, they had no connection to memories in my mind other than those of school and thus got dropped when that was no longer relevant.  It would be very useful if we could consciously control this, deciding what to commit to permanent memory and what to let go of to make room for something else - although given the state of my closet and all the junk I have amassed it's probably a good thing I don't have conscious control of it, not that my mind is doing a better job given some of the things I remember which seem completely pointless.