Dread

There was a post that was scheduled to be published today but I decided against it, I rescheduled it for another day.  I have often said that I write these posts as a form of self-therapy so I've decided to document something as close to "live" as I can without being disrespectful.  This post is in two parts, the first is written in the morning, and the second will be added later, probably the same day although if it isn't then it will be apparent why, it will be added in due course though.

Part One - 6:30 AM, Saturday, 23rd of February 2019

I come from a large family.  My mother came from a family of fourteen, and my father came from a family of twelve, almost all of whom on both sides have children and grandchildren and I believe by now some even have great-grandchildren which reminds me I am getting old.  There's a website called MyHeritage where you can build a family tree, there's a paid for version and a free version; I once tried to use the free version to build my family tree but it caps out at 250 entries and I hit that only going back two generations and adding in their descendants all of which are the most readily accessible parts of my family tree as the information is still "fresh" with regards to who fits where - I didn't even manage to complete that task as I hit the cap long before I was done descending the branches.

The point of telling you all of this is to establish that my family is rather big, and events which bring the family together are by no means casual affairs.  Today is one of those events, a funeral.  One of my uncles on my mother's side of the family passed away on Thursday, his death was sudden and unexpected.  I know he had health problems and the only real solace I can hold onto in that regard is that for now at least he is at peace and no longer has to endure any of that.  My grandmother used to say don't pity the dead, pity the living, and today that is what I am trying to hold onto.

I have social anxiety, which if you don't know what that is, it is a form of anxiety that is triggered by social interaction, social obligation, and social expectations.  As you can probably imagine, events such as these are a nightmare for me.  It's not logical as to why, everyone who will be there almost in their entirety is family, related directly or indirectly to me, and know me or know of me.  This is about as "safe" as you can be in these situations, I hesitate to use that word, I don't mean in the context of danger but rather with the connotations of safe spaces intended instead.  Regardless the sentiment remains, today is a day where I have to step out of my comfort zone and have little choice in the matter.

Today is not about me.  It's not my funeral.  I'm not the one who died.  These are three basic facts and yet as is so often the case, the things we focus on more than anything are often the things that affect us personally rather than other people.  I know everyone around me will be going through a lot today and it's painful to admit that inside my head the biggest thing I am worrying about is trying not to have a panic attack rather than focusing on the point of the day itself.  It's been several years since I last had a panic attack, the closest I came happened around a year ago, incidentally at another funeral.

Right now it is half six in the morning, I've been awake for about two hours.  The house is busy with people getting ready.  My uncle lived about thirty miles from here so we have to travel to get to the funeral.  My family is large as I have already said, and they are spread far and wide, many will be travelling much further than we are to get there.  To be there for half passed nine in the morning we have to leave quite early factoring in traffic and a plenitude of other factors in on top.

The longer something has to fester and build up in your mind the more you begin to dwell on it.  I am my own worst enemy and right now my imagination is running away with me.  All the ways that things could go wrong are fleeting in and out of my mind.  Recollections of my Confirmation where I almost threw up over the bishop, had to be rushed out of the chapel, and the projectile vomit that followed as soon as the fresh air hit me are all vivid in my mind.  I am really not comfortable with these types of events, the only reason I am going at all is because family really does matter to me, and because I keep reminding myself as I said above, almost everyone there will be family, this is about as safe a space as I can be in.

I'm still full of dread though.  This might have been easier if we had lived closer and there was less time for it to fester.

Part Two - 6:30 PM, Saturday, 23rd of February 2019

Relief doesn't even begin to capture the true extent of what I feel right now.  Exhaustion is perhaps more apt a descriptor as that feeling abounds, both mentally and physically.  I managed to take some time to sleep, only for an hour, but the rest was needed.  I've also had a chance to eat, although that might have been a mistake to do before sleeping as I now feel rancid. 

I didn't eat or drink this morning, or much at all last night both for the same reason, toilets in churches are usually scarce.  I didn't actually need to go thankfully so that strategy paid off.  When you dread things like this, the mixture of physical and emotional sensations that wash over you in waves can be hard to process and to endure.  I felt all day like I was ready to throw up, if it weren't for the fact my stomach was empty I think I might well have done so at one point.

As family reunions go, this one was almost complete.  A few people were missing for reasons that could not be helped, but even those who don't normally do social events showed up, further underlining how bad it would have looked not to have gone.  I am glad that I went, but I still wouldn't want to do it again given the choice, that sounds bad I know, but days like these are dark in more ways than one.

Mortality is something that is a single edged sword for me, my own does not bother me but that of others does.  I've said before I'm not afraid of dying, or of death, I just don't want it to be painful, I'd rather it came quick, given the choice I'd rather go to sleep one night and not wake up again - grim, I know.  When it comes to other people however, there are many I don't want to lose, many I'm not ready to lose, although I don't think you ever really are "ready" when it comes down to it.  Regardless on days like today mortality is not something that is easily ignored especially when you mourn someone who passed so quickly and whose passing was so unexpected.

I stood in a graveyard today that I have not stood in since I was a child, so young in fact I can't recall the last time with clarity, only glimpses of a path and walls I walked along today bubbled up from those depths.  There are a few graves in that graveyard of people who have passed all related to me, and one thing was shared amongst them, brevity.  51, 54, 56, and 61, these stood out the most, ages of the four who now rest in the grave that was reopened today.  Others still shared similar length, and it becomes apparent this branch of my family tree seems quite fragile.  To know so many have lived and died young, leaves you with an odd feeling when you see the people around you and begin to focus on how old they all are already.  Those who are ill of health stand out the most and for the most part the thought goes unsaid but the sentiment is there, easily read on the faces of others.  They may not say it aloud, but you are sure they've thought it too.  Having said all of that, the funeral today was a reminder that it is often the ones we don't expect, and with little warning if any, in his case a pain in his stomach, for which a GP's appointment was made for 2 weeks time, one he will never see.

I've had my own health journey with Sarcoidosis which I have been documented for a while now however very little has actually changed, I'm still running out the clock for now before they can do anything else for me, and even at that it will be condition management rather than treatment as I understand it which to me translates as "learning to live with it" which doesn't fill me with joy.

There's not a lot else I can add right now.  Today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but then things rarely are.  I always expect the worst as in doing so anything else is a positive, and if the worst happens you were expecting it.  Right now I just want to forget everything and wrap myself up in delusion and diversion and think about anything and everything that is as far from today and as far from the dark and depressing nature of death and mourning.  I will grieve, but in my time, and in my own way.