Suicide

As a disclaimer I would like to say this post contains a lot of information which is very candid about the thoughts and feelings that I endured at one of the lowest points in my life.  If this is something you don't want to read, I strongly advise you to stop reading now.  I don't condone any of the actions that I describe here, this content is a recount of what I went through, not a guide for others.

In my previous post I mentioned there was a time in my life when I was suicidal and that this leaves a mark on you that never really goes away.  I wanted to go into this in a little more detail.  The mark I refer to isn't a physical one - I have none of those thankfully.  It is a mental mark that stays with you from that point on and it is defined by your perception of death or more importantly of dying.

One of the questions people often have when discussing dying, apart from what happens after, is the question of whether or not you are afraid of dying.  The answer to that for me is no.  I am not.  The process itself doesn't scare me, what I fear most about dying is the potential pain I would feel in the process.  If I was assured my death would be painless then there would be no fear at all for me.  Part of the reason I associate pain with death is because when you actually consider killing yourself, the question of how you would do it is inevitable and the answers that can be presented in almost every scenario involve a lot of pain.  Classic approaches like jumping off something high, or jumping into a river or body of water to drowned yourself are often given.  In both scenarios you would likely experience agony.  In the case of somewhere high, the necessity is that you would actually die from the impact, the major risk is that you would not, in which case you're in for a very bad time.  In the case of drowning, the actual process is incredibly painful as the lungs fill with water and literally explode, this is like being stabbed a thousand times over and a thousand times more from inside.

As for death itself that is not something I fear anymore.  It was something that I did fear when I was younger.  When you have been to that lowest of lows and looked death in the face you start to see it more clearly, and see it for what it really is.  To paint a picture, throughout life we picture death as the grim reaper, a cloaked hooded figure of mystery that represents something dark and foreboding.  When you stand before it however and are ready to embrace it, willingly, the reaper lowers their hood and you get to see the face of death.  There's two ways people usually react in that situation, the first is to react with paralysing fear which ultimately causes you to step back and brings a willingness to run away from death as fast as you can.  The second is what happened to me, that is you see the face of death and you see through the darkness and see it for what it truly is, an ending.  If you embrace it then that's it, life is over.  If you decide you're not ready or that you have more you want to do before you die, then you end up living on as I did.

Having seen the face of death and realizing what it really is, an ending, nothing more, it's not something I fear any longer.  It's also not something I seek out.  I have accepted that it will happen to me when my time comes, whenever that may be.  I have accepted that for now I have a life to live and I have a purpose, although to this day I still have no idea what that purpose is, but that's one reason to keep living - to find the answer.

While I don't fear death for myself, it is something I fear for other people, or rather I have an anxiety that death will take the ones I love before I am ready to part with them, that is a fear of a pain of a different kind, one I do not feel ready to endure and I hope it will be many years, decades, longer if possible, before I have to experience that, I'd prefer never to experience it at all.

This has led me to the realisation that the ultimate element of death and dying that causes people to fear it so much is the unknown.  We don't know what happens, we don't know how it feels, when it will happen etc.  That's part of the reason why that fear is removed for people who have been in that place of suicide, because the means chosen reveals how it happens, and the finality of the decision you will make reveals the reality of what happens after - nothing.  At least as far as the physical is concerned.  We can save the spiritual debate for another day.

If you have ever been in that place, or if you are there now and you are looking for advice or you want some insight from someone else who has been there I would say one thing that I have tried to live by since: once you have reached the bottom of all bottoms the only place to go is up.  Once you have been willing to die, and wanted to die, the desire to live can be found in the realisation that the world and everything in it hold no threat to you any longer.  The biggest threat this world can make against us is the threat of death, if that is something you were willing to embrace there is literally nothing in this life you cannot face.  Or to put it in simpler terms, if you are in that place willing to lose everything and let go, then turn and face life and think, "what have I got to lose by trying?" because if you feel that you have absolutely nothing to live for, you have absolutely nothing to lose by aiming as high as you possibly can and doing anything and everything you can possibly do to reach that place.

If you need help or if you have been affected by anything written here then I urge you to contact one of the charities below:

In the UK:
Call the Samaritans on 116 123
Further helplines can be found here
For LGBT specific help you can find more information here

In the USA:
Text CONNECT to 741741 to reach Crisis Text Line
Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline on 1-800-273-8255

For other countries you can find information here

It can seem at times in this life like you are completely alone and that no-one cares about you, or that you have no-one to turn to.  This is not true.  There is help out there for those who ask.  There are people out there who will help you.  This world can seem cold but there is warmth, sometimes that warmth is hidden deep but it is there to be found.  Reach out for it and it will reach back.

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