What do I want to change?

I've been thinking a lot about what I want in life.  In my previous post I wrote about life changes and how we are often reluctant to admit we have the power to change things that don't necessarily make us happy and why that might be the case.  I decided to ask myself the same question I put out there into the world, what would I want to change, and whether or not I can actually change that.  The answer wasn't easy to find. 

The default answer first of all is that there is the desire to move that has been in the back of my mind in near constancy since I got back home - I lived in London for 3 years whilst studying at University and the thought of going back has remained in my mind ever since.  I stopped for the first time and asked myself why that desire existed.  The same answer propped up that I have told myself since I got here - there are more career opportunities for me in London.  That is true but the fixation on that fact does somewhat imply there is a belief there are no opportunities for me here.  Whilst there are less, it would be untrue to say that there are none.  There are opportunities just not many that I have actually considered pursuing.

I then had to ask myself if I could actually move right now, or if I could choose to stay here as opposed to feeling trapped here.  That threw open another debate for me.  I am a gay man.  Where I live isn't very socially progressive.  I live in a city but it has a decidedly small town mentality, and there is a heavy religious influence.  There are 27 churches in a 1 mile radius of my house, I know, I counted.  This doesn't create an atmosphere where I think that I could actually find someone to share my life with, and live safely and happily in the process.  This made me realise that the real reason why I want to move is because of that, not because of career alone.  I've said in other posts what I do I could in theory do anywhere with a good internet connection.  I could be sitting in a monastery atop the Tibetan mountains if I had a decent internet connection it wouldn't matter - it might actually be more conducive to some of my work being so isolated.

I am thirty years old, and at the risk of sounding melancholy or melodramatic, I'm getting old...er.  I know there will be many people a lot older than me who will protest at this perception but what you think doesn't matter much in terms of my perception, you can't change the way someone sees things unless they are willing and right now I'm not willing.  My health problems have been a reminder of my mortality, and the fact that I can now no longer do many of the things I could 10 years ago has made me accept the fact that our lives change with age and you can't expect to behave the same way and do the same things throughout its entirety.

With regards to finding someone to live my life with, the real desire there is the immediacy of the social interaction.  The cohabitation and the commitment you make to one another.  In terms of the companionship, I have become much more appreciative of my friends and the people in my life.  I have people I can talk to, I have people I can share things with, and above all else I have people that I can have a completely unfiltered conversation with free of any judgement and I believe that is what most people look for when they want a relationship.  This made me question why I wanted something I already have, and I think the reason is because I try and convince myself at times that I don't already have that.

Sex is great, and for many people that is the driving factor in wanting a relationship.  Whilst that appeals, there is an alternative.  As a gay man, I am aware of the plethora of dating apps and hook up apps that make it incredibly easy to find someone to have sex with.  I don't know how easy this is for straight people, I am not straight, and I don't know any straight people who do that so I can't speak to it.  Having sex so readily available again negates the need to actually pursue a relationship as a means to that end.  You then come to the conclusion that the real reason you desire a relationship is to have everything you already have but from one source and as that old saying goes of eggs and baskets there is a question of the wisdom in that regard. 

I have trust issues relating to past traumas that I endured and I have held in my mind the idea that I could overcome those if I found the right person, but in truth having never actually experienced that level of commitment I don't actually know if I could.

There is a pattern of unknown factors emerging here so let's leave the hypothetical scenarios for now and look at the immediate scenario.  I have career opportunities here if I choose to pursue them.  My health is a mitigating circumstance but even that can be compensated for.  I have everything I would get from a relationship provided by other people already.  There are things I would like, more money for one, but nothing that has an aspiration, ambition, or motivation that is strong enough to drive the pursuit of it.  I'm comfortable right now, even if there are things I would like to change and that I fixate on, the reason nothing has changed is because I am comfortable.

So what do I want to change, why do I want to change it, and do I have the power to change it?  The answers are nothing, for the sake of change, and yes, in that order.  There is nothing I want to change enough to actually make that change.  Everything I do want to change I want to do so for the sake of changing it, there's no actual net gain in doing so.  I do indeed have the power to change it all, an admission that isn't easy to make.  I'm still not sure what implication or impact on my life this revelation will have.