Default Behaviour

The way we act and the way we behave is often influenced by the people we find ourselves in the presence of, so much to the point that we can be perceived to be completely different people when in their presence.  It's easy to build up a perception of another person that is incomplete or even inaccurate if we only ever see them in the presence of a certain type of people.  As a gay man this is perhaps best illustrated by the disjunction between other gay men's behaviour when they are in the presence of straight people as opposed to when they are in the presence of other gay people.

This is not unique to the LGBT community however, it transcends such social constructs and divisions and applies to almost everyone you meet.  The personal versus professional mentalities, the social versus familial mentalities, the romantic versus platonic mentalities, all of these demonstrate the juxtaposition that can exist between how we behave in one situation versus another.  There inevitably comes the question of which of these is your "true" behaviour or the one that comes most naturally to you.  This question is perhaps best answered by identifying which environment is the most comfortable for you, where you can feel little or no inhibitions.

Having said that, there are behaviours we can exhibit in the right conditions which aren't an indicator of who we are or how we act in any given situation.  There comes a point where you have to draw the line between what is easy and what is right.  The easiest choices to make in life are often the ones that require the least deliberation - in other words those where a default choice exists often result in us making the default choice, not because we want to but because it's the least effort for us to put in.

When it comes to identifying what your "natural" behaviour is then I would argue that the actual answer is whatever is the modal behaviour, in other words the behaviour you exhibit most often.  If you rarely behave in a given way then that behaviour is not an accurate depiction of you in general.  To use an analogy, the odds of winning the lottery, anything at all not just the jackpot, are quite low, the majority of times you play it you will win nothing at all.  It is only in the minority of cases that you will actually win anything at all.  Is it fair therefore to say that winning something should be described as the default when trying to explain it, or use it as a template for future behaviour?  The answer whilst marketing and advertising would agree it is fair, in reality it is not.  A truer explanation of the lottery is to say it is a game that the majority of people lose, and that if you play it you will most likely lose and win nothing at all.

Identifying a default behaviour is as much about numbers and consistency as it is about comfort.  Default should by its very definition be the behaviour you expect to see most.  How then do you determine if the way a person behaves around you is their default?  The answer to that is rather simple - you need more experience of their behaviour over a longer period of time in the presence of other people in order to judge it.  How can you use this knowledge to your advantage?  Well for one if you want to get to know a person quicker then you need to learn more about the way they interact with others.  If you want to date someone and get a more accurate depiction of them as a person, despite being counter intuitive, intimacy should actually be avoided.  In a one on one setting you experience only how they behave towards you.  The sooner you see their interactions with others the sooner you see who they are in a more general sense.  In most cases when you date someone or start a relationship with them, in time the intimacy wanes and you start to see more of their life, not just the time they spend with you.  The same is true for professional environments and any other situation where you are in the presence of a few people but never in the presence of others.  The sooner you can expand the number of people the sooner you can see interactions.