As someone who has lived with depression for decades now, one question that pervades the ether is the act of describing it. For those who have experienced it there is an understanding of what it feels like but it is often difficult to convey in its fullest extent to those that have never experienced it. There is often a perception from those who have never experienced depression that it is synonymous with sadness and that pursuing something happy will remedy the situation. This is a fallacy, one which thankfully social media is quick to argue against when people try to draw such parallels - although the way some people try to defend mental illness is often destructive to the cause of getting others to understand it, and often ends up being an offensive with the intent of attacking the one who has seemingly shown ignorance rather than trying to educate them. There has to be a consciousness that when someone is wrong you want them to see why they are wrong, not to make them feel bad about the fact they are wrong without making any effort to allow the person to grow and learn.
To that end I thought I would take a shot at trying to explain what depression is, and what it feels like. I will do this from two perspectives, the first is from a metaphorical point of view and the second will be from a physiological and neurological context.
First off, life is filled with ups and downs. This is inescapable, and it is something that everyone has to deal with. You have happy days, you have sad days, you have days when you have a clear sky above your head, the sun is shining, the sky is blue, and there isn't a cloud in sight. You also have days where the sky is overcast, filled with dark clouds that are hanging over you, making you feel miserable. This is normal. This is life. This is not depression.
Depression is a state of mind where the sky above begins to descend, where it ultimately ends with those dark clouds that hung above your head enveloping you and making it impossible for you to see anything around you beyond a few feet. You find yourself in darkness, aware of your surroundings, you just can't see them. You can still hear the people around you, you can see those who come close, and you can hear those at a distance. You can see some things in your immediate surroundings, and you can move about a bit, but for the most part you can't see everything the world has to offer.
When you find yourself in this state, the act of carrying out simple tasks, like going to the shop to get milk can be incredibly difficult, you have to remember where it is, you have to navigate through darkness, you can't see what is ahead of you and can't protect yourself from the hazards that everyone approaches everyday - like crossing the road. When people ask you to engage in social situations there is a reluctance, you don't want to go to concerts or the cinema or even to restaurants because you can't see beyond a few feet and that makes you feel dismay. The storm that hung above your head rages around you and it makes you feel tired, drained, and all you want to do is retreat to somewhere you know is safe and stay there until it passes.
This is how depression feels to me. It will feel different to different people, and they will have different ways of explaining the concept and visualising it in their minds. There is much more to depression than the simplification that I have made here and the description I have given. To explain everything would take many posts and I could devote months if not years to talking about it.
"It's all in your head" - well, yes, and no. Yes it is, quite literally, but no it's not if you mean it is purely down to how someone thinks. When depression occurs in an individual there is a shift that happens physiologically. You can perform CAT scans to diagnose depression because a physiological change occurs in the brain. Whenever depression occurs, a significant portion of your brain goes into "standby" mode. Routine functions and things which require a lot of energy to maintain are shut down by the brain. All non-essential processing is halted. Your brain then enters a deep state of processing where the cause of your depression is processed intensely. This processing is not connected to the conscious mind. I have discussed the three levels of consciousness before, the conscious, subconscious, and unconscious. Whenever depression occurs, the bridges between the three distinct layers are broken. The unconscious mind stops communicating with the subconscious. The conscious mind continues to communicate with the subconscious but the is very little traffic.
To borrow an analogy, imagine a pit crew, a co-pilot, and a rally driver. The pit crew carries out all operations to support the team, this is your unconscious. The co-pilot gives immediate advice to the driver this is your subconscious. The rally driver is your consciousness and the car itself is your body. Whenever the communication is broken during depression you are left with a rally driver trying to navigate at speed with very little feedback from anyone else. Those that normally support them and keep them safe are gone. As you can imagine, a rally driver would often crash if this was the case. This happens in the body. Depression can cause physical illnesses because the systems that normally keep everything in the body in check are switched off. The immune system can miss infections, inflammation can occur when the immune system realises too late that an infection is present and has to react aggressively. Physical pain can occur, and in extreme cases you can develop long-term conditions as a result of your depression.
It's not something that is confined to your thought processes. It is not something that is confined to the mind. It is a physiological condition that has a neurological impact, and causes physical symptoms. Depression is something that needs to be treated, if you don't treat it then it will linger. There are debates about whether or not it can ever be cured, there is a considerable body of evidence that states the belief that those who suffer from depression will always have it in some form or another, and for me personally this is true. Depression for me has come and gone in waves in my life, they last between 6 months and a few years at a time.
I wish I could offer some grand insight here as something conclusive, but depression by its very nature is something that is ongoing. Coping mechanisms may be healthy or unhealthy, in my experience whilst many doctors and professionals will advise you against this, my view is to do whatever you have to in order to survive. Whatever works for you, stick with that. Seek professional help if you feel things have got to a point where your life has been impacted severely. Above all else, educate yourself. There are thousands if not millions of sources online that provide information. If you need somewhere to start try contacting one or more of the organisations identified by NHS Moodzone
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