Pity Dating

So right off the bat I have to acknowledge this is a strange concept and serves as one of those things that I didn't personally think was a thing until I came across other's experiences of it.  I also have to admit that I was naive in that regard but we live and learn.  It's also important to clarify before we begin that this concept goes beyond having a "type" - this goes much deeper. 

When you think of the reasons you might want to date someone, the first and perhaps most common reasons are superficial for example you think they're hot, or you find something appealing about their physical appearance, or perhaps you go a little deeper and are attracted to their personality, maybe they make you laugh, or maybe they are someone who you have known for some time but have come to see in a different light.  All of these things are pretty benign as motivations, most people would consider them normal and nothing untoward and that these motivations will lead to varying degrees of success when it comes to the longevity of the connection you establish with the other person.

Take a step beyond the benign however and into the more manipulative and vindictive world of dating and there are darker motivations that drive people, for example people who specifically look for signs of wealth, or others who treat the whole process like a job application and vet their potential partners by their perceived pedigree based on their employment record and future job prospects, people who pursue relationships with others out of spite for a third person, there are many more reasons that are undoubtedly unhealthy and one would hope would be doomed to failure although the cynic in me has to wonder how many people get so deep into relationships that they reach a point where they feel it's no longer possible to leave - that's a very heavy topic which needs an entire post in and of itself to discuss.

All of these concepts however seem pretty straight forward and easy to understand.  Go beyond these base motivations however and venture even deeper and you will begin to find some surprising reasons that people are drawn to someone.  The most surprising to me is the concept of pity dating, that is, to want to date someone because of the express belief that no-one else would.  That might seem strange and illogical to some people, and to be honest it did to me too, until I took the time to break down exactly what's going on when someone does this.  To be clear this isn't about the reality of whether or not these people can find someone interested in them, it's purely about the seeker's perception.

After discussing this with a friend, we developed a few hypotheses; she used a turn of phrase which I think best describes the motivations of some people who do this, namely that they are looking for a "project" or a "fixer upper" - treating dating like buying a house, rather than looking for someone they are interested in they look for someone they can "fix" which also implies they perceive that person to be "broken" as it were and that their vision or their ideals are the definition of perfection. 

For me personally, one of the reasons this makes me so uncomfortable is that I am aware that I have quite a few issues that stem from various traumatic events that I have endured and that many people wouldn't be able to handle the difficulties and complications that these issues cause.  I am all too aware of the perception others have that any deviation from what they define as normal is something to be avoided.  I do not see myself as weak, or broken, or something that needs to be "fixed" and I find the concept incredibly insulting.  I don't think anyone has wanted to date me for these reasons, at least if they did then that was never something I realised, neither in the moment nor here and now with the benefit of hindsight, still paranoia attached to the revelation that this is a thing has now left me wondering about some of the people I have met over the years and what their motivations really were.  I've written before about the idea that your history can be rewritten when your perception of it changes and you see events that you experienced in an entirely new light, I think in this regard I am still processing a lot of my past and re-evaluating it with this new information.

My own experiences aside, part of the reason I feel uncomfortable with this concept is because no matter the intent the person is displaying, no matter how harmless their motivation might be - if that's even possible in this situation - is that this whole concept heavily implies that the seeker in this scenario is a controlling person, and that they want to control another person and whether they openly admit it or not or whether they even realise it - maybe some genuinely don't, although again perhaps that is naivety - they are targeting people they perceive as weak and easier to manipulate whether they are conscious of it or not.  As a side note I think this is misguided as in my experience people like me who have issues are usually the ones who react the strongest against the idea of controlling other people and can usually see attempts to do so quite plainly for what they are, however emotions can cloud our judgements and it's possible to be love-drunk even when that love isn't reciprocated.

The idea of dating someone because you think no one else would tells you a lot about the seeker.  Whatever the criteria they use ultimately they are being guided by what they perceive to be abnormal in respect of what they define as normal.  This can be anything, whether it's physical characteristics, medical conditions, mental health issues, this can even extend to race and religion in some instances - in effect any characteristic that places you in a minority.  Using any of these and many more as motivations to date someone reflects a belief that they'd find it harder to find someone to date because of those things, and as I said before whether that's an accurate assumption is beside the point.  This predatory behaviour is something quite perverse and has a lot in common with the realm of people who fetishize you for these attributes.  These people who prey on others in this way are predatory, even if you do find it difficult to find someone who is interested in you, a predator is not the sort of person you would want a relationship with, and they are not the sort of person you could even hope to have a healthy relationship with at that.

What all of this says about those who possess this mentality is that there are many unresolved issues at play, without knowing more about them it would be difficult to understand why they behave in this way but it's important to recognise that these are not behaviours that can be simply changed with self awareness - cognitive behavioural therapy is necessary to identify why they are behaving in this way and try to resolve it, in other words, they need professional health, it's not something you can help them with personally if you come across someone who does this to you.  To behave in such a way there must be a deep rooted insecurity if they believe their only chance of being with someone would only be with someone they think would have no other option.  I said this implies that they are a controlling person and the reason for this assertion is that their behaviour tells you a lot about their concept of a pecking order or a caste system, and despite their own insecurities they perceive you to be beneath them. 

I could go further but I don't think I should.  This whole concept is to be blunt quite fucked up.  Like I said at the beginning of this post, this is something I didn't think was real until I started reading much more about it.  I said before, I have many issues, some of those are obvious when you first meet me whilst others you only learn about when you get to know me.  I don't think anyone has done this to me but I do believe that the best way to protect yourself against people like this is to be aware that they exist and be aware of what they do as it will hopefully help you to spot the signs before it's too late.