Think before you speak

When you first meet me, I can seem like a very shy person.  If you get passed that initial barrier however you'll find that I'm anything but shy.  The reason I seem shy at first is because there is so much that I think about, and so much that I have an interest in, that if I was to put it all out there from the start, it would be overwhelming.  Beyond the scope of the things that interest me and occupy my mind, there's also a depth of feeling that I attach to those thoughts.  The more you get to know me the more you come to understand that there are some things I feel very strongly about, some things that I am incredibly passionate about, and some things that bore the Hell out of me which I find it hard to hide.  If I'm not interested in something, you'll usually be able to tell quite quickly.

When I am confident, when I feel secure in my surroundings and the company I keep, then I can be free and uninhibited.  I say and do a lot of things without thinking, because I know the people around me, and I know they will understand when something is said with the intention to cause offence or insult, as opposed to things that really weren't premeditated.  When it comes to meeting new people though, I often appear shy not because I don't know what to say, but because I am putting a lot more thought into what I say and I am observing much more than I am engaging, in an effort to judge the ground and be much more sure footed.  This doesn't always work, even with people I know a little bit about, I can put my foot in it quicker than anyone and I deserve a medal for that.

The idea of stopping and thinking before you speak or react to other people is admirable in some respects, but it does make things awkward.  When you are slow to react, other people get frustrated.  There is a concept that I am my friends refer to as "the point of silence" which we use to gauge how comfortable someone is around us or other people.  If you can endure silence, and not feel awkward then you have reached that point.  If however you feel awkward in silence and feel the need to fill it then your relationship to those people is still insecure and hasn't reached the point where you feel truly comfortable.  You can't force someone to arrive at this point before they are ready - that's one of the reasons why I think seeing a movie is one of the worst ideas for a date, because you sit in silence for an hour or two and can't talk to one another which doesn't alleviate the anxiety, if anything it can make it worse.

Whilst we can feel the desire and feel comfort in speaking without any inhibition, there can be times when even those we feel no judgement from might benefit from us taking a moment to think before we speak.  This is really more about other people than it is about you after all, whatever comes to mind first for you is in your nature, it's not something you're intentionally doing, there is rarely true malice in words that are said with no premeditation.  There can of course be offence, and there can be behaviours and language that are grossly inappropriate, and those shouldn't go unchallenged, but to bring about a change where you don't instinctively say those things or behave in those ways requires time, effort, and a bit of education before it sinks in, and above all else, the person has to want to change in the first place otherwise it just won't take.

The reason I stop and think about what I say when I am around people I know, who I don't think I could easily offend, is because I am assessing whether or not what I say is right - not in the sense of accuracy and truth, but in the sense of being something I actually feel right about.  I've never been one to believe the idea that the way you have always done something is the way you should continue to do it - the world changes, we change, our lives grow, and we have to grow with them.  You have to stop and think in life sometimes whether you want to keep walking down the path you have already walked, making the same choices you have already made a thousand times before.  You'll never grow as a person without experiencing something new, and the same is true of your relationships with other people, and your relationship with yourself, you have to be willing to take a step further or a step in another direction if you ever want to end up somewhere new, somewhere you've never been before.

Think about the people in your life and think about the things you talk about most often, ask yourself why those things became the dominant topics of conversation between you, and then ask why you never talk about anything else to the same extent.  Our opinions change, our experiences shape us as we grow, it's necessary to check in with each other once in a while about how you both feel about certain things to see if your assumptions still hold true.  As people grow, you need to "update" the representation of them that you hold inside your head.