Another Argument

That time of year is almost upon us once again when families come together to celebrate the holiday season.  Christmas is my favourite time of year, but there is something that I feel for many has become synonymous with that time of year and that is the inevitable arguments that they have either round the dinner table or during the season as a whole.  I'd like to offer some advice if this is something you struggle with and it's something that has served me well over the years.

A long time ago I was very argumentative, I was angsty and felt like nobody understood me and that nobody ever would.  There are times when I still feel that way but that's not really relevant here.  The point was, I often had arguments with people because I felt they could not see my point of view and that they just couldn't see beyond their own perception.  I still think this is true, but I think you eventually come to a realisation in life that some people will never change no matter how much logic or reason you present, they will hold onto their identity and their beliefs even if they come to think they are wrong they still hold onto what they know, reluctant to let go of that identity because there is a familiarity and a security in what they already know as opposed to embracing something new or unknown - especially when people are older they have less energy and enthusiasm to embrace anything new.

What changed for me was the realisation that the reason we argue with most people is something we don't like to think about or accept - we care what they think.  You might start drawing in memories in your mind of arguments you have had with all manner of people, some complete strangers that you didn't even know and you might even argue that you didn't care what that person thought, I can see that sentiment but I don't accept it as true, I think you did care, the motivation might not be because you cared about that person, but rather they created an impression of you or your position that you didn't accept or didn't like or want to be associated with.

I've taken that realisation and extended it to become much more definitive and to become a guide for myself whenever I find myself in moments of conflict with other people.  To hold onto this belief, that you only argue with the people whose opinion you actually care about, there are a number of reactions you can choose consciously when you experience conflict.  The first is to stop and ask yourself "Do I really care what they think?" and be completely honest with yourself, if the answer is no, then ask yourself why you are wasting your time having an argument with someone you don't actually care about whose opinion ultimately doesn't matter?  Learning to walk away or to just smile and nod and let people go is something that takes a long time to do, but it's worth it in the end if you can persevere.

The other reaction you can have in those moments of conflict when asking if you really care what they think, if the answer is yes, then stop and take a moment to recognise that the only reason you're having that argument in the first place is because you care about the other person and they probably feel the same way.  Christmas time is a time for family and friends and togetherness, and that puts us together, but despite the fact that there is so much that binds us together we are still individuals, we are people, we have experiences, we have different points of view, and not everyone in life is going to agree with us.  Our friends and family are no exception to this rule, what you have to decide is whether those differences are big enough that you can't be together or whether they really don't matter in the end.  Recognise the love and the care you have for one another and if it gets too much just say "I don't want to argue about this" and try and move on.

You have a finite amount of energy, physically, mentally, emotionally, and figuratively in a spiritual sense, be conscious of what you expend that energy on, because you can't get it back.  In everything you do that makes you feel bad, ask yourself is it worth it, and if you can walk away, and if you find that you think it's not worth it and you can walk away then do it, don't subject yourself to confrontation that you don't have to.  There are a lot of expectations we place on ourselves and others at this time of year and the truth is that none of these are mandatory, everything is a choice.  If you want to spend this time with hundreds of people around you or if you want to spend it on your own, that's your choice to make.  Let your happiness guide you, and do whatever you think will make things easier for you.  Pursue your happiness and listen to your own emotions to determine how you feel, do not let expectations and obligation determine your happiness.  This time of year can be rough for many people because there are so many expectations thrown at us that it becomes nigh on impossible to meet them all, trying to do so will only make you crazy.  The idea of a perfect Christmas is simply that, an idea, it should never be an absolute, and it should certainly never be a goal for perfection is an illusion you can never actually achieve it.