My story

In a recent post when I wrote about struggling with my weight at the moment, I was reluctant to say a number of things because of the way I thought they would be perceived.  That mentality was so pervasive that I wrote and rewrote the post until it reached a point I was comfortable with, and even then I still didn't feel completely comfortable posting it because I knew some people would probably react badly or roll their eyes at me when reading it.  I've been thinking about this reluctance and I've come to question why I feel it at all.  This blog after all is a diary of sorts where I document my thoughts and my feelings and I try to be as honest as I can about those.  I thought that post in particular was self-indulgent but the truth is this whole blog is self-indulgent because it's meant to be.

When you read an autobiography or the story of someone's life and what it entails, you expect to hear about the person that wrote it.  You don't expect the author to spend most of their time focusing on other people or one person in particular other than themselves, that's what biographies are for.  An autobiography is meant to be their own life story from their point of view based on their experience and their observations and their conclusions - it's meant to be about them.

I grew up in the UK and there is often a joke that British people are repressed and that they don't talk about themselves or share their experiences or boast about themselves.  There is truth to that stereotype as is the uncomfortable truth that most stereotypes whether we want to admit it or not usually stem from some grain of truth somewhere.  The idea that you don't boast about yourself I feel is something that is learned at a young age.  I've written before about my frustrations with education, the concept of conformity, and that feeling that you spend the first 16 years of your life being told it's wrong to be different and then you're expected as an adult to be able stand out, set yourself apart, and be different to be memorable.

If you spend your life behaving and thinking in a way that other people tell you to, in an effort to please them, you'll waste your life.  That's the truth about pleasing other people and not putting yourself first, like that meme that did the rounds a few years ago that simply said "That's the problem with putting others first, you've taught them that you come second" which is something that struck a chord with me at the time and triggered a shift in my behaviour that I still find myself fighting against at moments like these.  There should be no shame in telling your own story or talking about your life, it's your story, your life, you are the authority on it, nobody else can make that claim, no-one knows you better than you know yourself you just have to be willing to admit that to yourself and embrace it.

If you're here reading this blog in the first place it is because you have an interest in me, my life, or what I have to say.  If none of those things apply to you, then I would have to ask why are you here in the first place?

I've said this is a definitively British attitude, and I stand by that judgement, that's not to say British people are the only ones that do it, they just have that expectation through the stereotype.  I do think there is truth in the stereotypes of other nations that are regarded as being the opposite.  The USA for example has spawned a stereotype of Americans that most of the world perceives as a nation of people who boast about themselves and their achievements, who want to be first in everything, who are loud, and who can be quite overbearing.  The stereotype of the USA holds that every child from day one is taught to compete, that everything in life is a race, and that you're not doing good unless you're doing better than someone else and never be content if there is someone doing better than you then strive to best them.

I don't like either of these mentalities if I am completely honest, I don't like the idea that you have to repress yourself to fit in and I don't like the idea that you have to compete with anyone and everyone just to live.  I want a middle ground, I want a balance, I want a world where we don't let people fall all the way to the bottom, we encourage them to compete but competition shouldn't be their purpose for being.  Your self worth shouldn't be defined by where you are in regards to those around you.  You shouldn't have to feel shame or embarrassment because you are different or that you have problems that other people don't.  That which is right and that which is wrong shouldn't be defined by whether or not it's happening to you, and what is happening to others should not determine the validity of your feelings, every feeling is valid, every emotion no matter how positive or negative it is something that you feel and you need to own and confront.