Small Talk

I hate small talk, if you spend any amount of time with me and get to know me at all, you'll soon realise most conversations will descend to a depth you don't experience with other people.  That's not a comment I make in arrogance based on some contrived impression of myself that I have created, it's based on the comments that other people have made.  I've been labelled many things in my time by others, deep, heavy, intellectual, bleeding heart, intense, among many others, and there was a time when I took each of these as an insult but the truth is with age I have come to understand that those are other peoples' perceptions of me, and what other people think of me is for them to decide not me.  All I can do is be myself and stay true to myself and let other people perceive that in whatever way they want.

I realise that my personality is not something that everyone can handle, this is one of the many reasons why people close to me have a relationship with me which can go for days, weeks, or even months without talking and then pick up exactly where we left off.  I know that everyone has their own life to live.  I know that the depth of the connections I form with people will withstand distance and duration apart.  I don't need to see you every day or speak to you every day to maintain that depth.

The fact that conversations run so deep has led those around me to know what to expect from me, to the point where they don't engage in small talk anymore, if I ask them or they ask me "How are you?" we'll both give an honest answer that is actually going to answer the question, a one word answer isn't something you should expect if you ask that question, if that's what you want then you'll learn very quickly not to ask me that question.  That doesn't mean I will pour my heart out to anyone that will listen, not everyone gets to form that connection with me, there has to be give and take.  Over the years I have become quite good at judging who can and can't have that level of engagement.  I learned quite quickly that some people can't swim if you throw them into the deep end they'll drowned.

You might question how successful my social interactions are based on that behaviour, and the answer is rather simple.  I have a small circle of friends that I am extremely close to, who I can tell anything and they can tell me anything.  Those relationships are fulfilling, and give me something that I value greatly and I give the same in return to them.  I've never been one to chase that desire to have a wide circle of friends that I barely know, I don't get the appeal in doing that.  The sort of person that wants to have hundreds or thousands of people on their friends list on social media most of whom they've never met - what do you actually get from that?  I want to make more meaningful connections with people.  There's no limit to how many I would like to establish, I just want the connection to be genuine and to know that there is connection that's more than just knowing each other exist and having passing conversations.

As I have said before, the goal I have with most relationships is the point of silence, that point where you can be in each other's presence in silence without it being awkward.  Where there's no pressure and no expectations, just two people who enjoy each other's company and can feel at ease around one another and can relax.  This world is hectic and there's a lot in it that can sweep you away, the only reason I want deep connections is to know that it will take more than those things to break that connection and pull us apart.  The reason I hate small talk is because I see it really as a socially acceptable way of saying "I want to be sociable but I don't really care" which to me feels pointless, if you don't care, don't pretend you do, just don't speak, I won't be offended.

I realise I give the impression at times that I am an antisocial person, and I accept that.  As someone with social anxiety who finds it hard to talk to people I don't know, the truth is yes I am antisocial, I'd rather people didn't engage with me unless they actually want to get to know me, I don't see what is so wrong with that idea. Would you rather be sociable with a load of people who don't really care about you, or would you rather make a connection with at least one person who really does care?