Music Monday #25: Pink Friday by Nicki Minaj

"To live doesn't mean you're alive"
- 'Moment 4 Life' - Nicki Minaj

I graduated University in 2009, London was an expensive place to live and without a graduate job it wasn't practical or even feasible for me to stay, I reluctantly came back to Northern Ireland.  The plan originally was to move back to it, save money, clear down some of the debt I had amassed going through University and to eventually return.  Spoiler alert, that didn't happen.  Debt is a trap and once you get into it getting out of it again is very hard.  On top of that moving from a place with more employment opportunities to a place with less opportunity even if it was for financial reasons probably wasn't the best decision to make.

Nicki Minaj released 'Pink Friday' in 2010, a year and a half after my graduation I was spiralling down once more into darkness.  Pink Friday served as a pick-me-up, an album that give me energy when I had none.  From high energy tracks like 'Super Bass' on the deluxe edition that I own through to mellow reflective tracks like 'Save Me' and 'Moment 4 Life' this album give me a lot to think about and a lot to feel.  Moment 4 Life in particular with its lyrics that touch on the distinction between being alive and actually having a life hit a little too close to home as I was increasingly feeling like I was just living for the sake of living with no direction and no plan in life with nothing of substance to hold onto.  Save Me in particular touched on the feeling of hopelessness with the spoken lyrics interspersed "It feels like I've been drivin' for miles, And I can't seem to silence these voices in my head" if you've ever struggled with depression or anxiety you can probable relate to the negative feedback loop that takes hold where no amount of logic or reason can talk yourself out of the head space where self deprecation turns into self destruction.

The track I relate to most now is one that grew on me over the years, 'Dear Old Nicki' because I've lived this life where you strive as you climb up that hill but bit by bit you lose the parts of yourself that got you to the top, this struggle is also the premise of Valley of the Dolls by Jacqueline Susann if you identify with it too you should give it a read.  Dear Old Nicki is essentially a love letter Nicki wrote to her former self trying to reconnect with her, this is something I have been working on, in particular if you have read the series of posts relating to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy [CBT] on this blog you'll be aware to an extent of the journey I have been on to try and undo some of the damage that climb has caused to me.  Trying to reconnect with a younger more innocent sense of self that was raw as Nicki puts it, is something that isn't easy.  Innocence once lost is incredibly hard to find again, it was always something I maintained could never be recovered but CBT has encouraged me to put that belief to the test and figure out why I believe that is true.  Dear Old Nicki is about reconciling growth and sacrifice with our sense of self in the pursuit of confidence that the price was worth it.

Like the Valley Of The Dolls, the lyrics "But you was underground, and I was mainstream, I live the life now, that we would daydream, My only wish is, you come enjoy it with me" these lyrics epitomise the feeling of achieving what you set out but feeling incomplete in the end because you feel like you didn't make it there in one piece, it isn't what it was promised to be, you can't enjoy it for what it is because it's not what you thought it would be and you still hold on to that image.  This is something that I have struggled with in life, I find myself saying "I'll be happy when..." too often and I know that "when" will never come because if you happiness is always predicated then you will never experience it as one predication gives way to another, true happiness in this regard can only be found in the moment when you can make peace with where you are and what you have, which can be difficult if both of those things cause you misery.

Depth isn't something most people associate with Nicki Minaj but I've had conversations with people where I have slipped in her lyrics in passing and they've reacted with awe at the profundity only to be taken aback when I reveal the source.  This to me identifies a major problem with music taste, it can be inherently racist, and it can be prejudiced to the point where people actively avoid entire genres and styles of music giving no merit to it because they write it off without ever giving it a chance.  This isn't just something that is specific to race, it extends to gender, and sexuality, and all manner of divisions we create between people that are ultimately human constructs nothing more.  My taste in music is defined by trying first and judging after, the same applies for food and many other sensory experiences in life.  I have a music library with genres that contrast quite sharply because I listened first and judged it for what it was not what other people tried to lead me to believe it was. 

Nicki Minaj has many tracks that go deep and I stand by that assertion, yes there are diss tracks like 'Stupid Hoe' that people immediately cite to try and contradict that assertion and all I have to say to that is that I entirely understand the frustration that builds up and needs to be vented by artists, and to reiterate it's a diss track if you don't know what that is it's not meant for you.

Also for what it's worth, if you think even the greatest music artists that fit your definition haven't created tracks that were never released that you would turn your nose up at then you're mistaken, the only difference here is that Nicki actually followed through and released it which is something I admire, there are an abundance of posts which I have written over the years for this blog and others that I have scrapped because the reaction is predictable, that's what happens when you let an audience dictate the performance, I wish I had Nicki's determination and the balls to say fuck it and put it out there for the world to see knowing predictably there will be people that hate it and criticise it but likewise there will be people that like it and want more, so all I can say is if you don't like it, don't listen, it's not for you, move along, there's plenty of other artists to explore.

This is something in general with music I never quite understood, the hatred that people seem to feel entitled to direct at something that is ultimately a matter of taste and sensory satisfaction, I fucking hate Cauliflower, I think it's bland, tasteless, looks disgusting and I don't want it near anything I have to eat but I don't start a national campaign to get it banned or try and convince people how horrible it is, someone likes it, I don't, that's how taste works, grow up.