That Doesn't Make Sense

When you ask someone why they did something, and they give their reasons, it's second nature to evaluate those reasons based on our own beliefs, desires, and intentions, and draw our own conclusions as to whether or not that reasoning makes sense, whether it is logical to us, and ultimately whether or not we believe their reasons are valid.  The trouble with this approach to understanding other peoples' actions is that it doesn't lead to understanding at all, this is because you are still looking at the situation from your own perspective, not theirs.

If someone gives you reasoning for their actions and that reasoning does not make sense to you, and therefore does not seem valid to you, it's important to recognise that's because it doesn't make sense to you with your thought processes.  I wrote in the past about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy [CBT] and about the way in which beliefs are developed in our mind - to be clear this is about the general concept of beliefs not specific beliefs, this isn't about politics, or religion, or social justice in particular, although the same process governs the development of those beliefs too, it's important to assert here that the word "belief" literally means anything at all that you believe to be true, regardless of the reality.

When I spoke about CBT one of the things I wrote about was the idea of finding the "root" of a belief by successive questioning, in an attempt to understand how that belief grew over time and subsequently expose foundations that are no longer valid - like a cartoon tower where the lower floors have been removed but the tower still stands because gravity hasn't taken effect until the characters realise they are missing, this is the effect of finding the root of your beliefs, what once may have seemed obvious and self evident to you may now be illogical given what you now know.

To bring this back to the original point, when you want to understand why people say and do the things they do, if you ask them and they give a reason, regardless of whether you believe that reason is valid, accept that is what they believe, accept that they are telling you what they believe, not what you should believe, but what they believe or what they believed at the time - because once you do that then you can start to address the real issue which is picking apart the reasons why they came to those conclusions in the first place. 

It's also important to realise that people who go through the work involved with therapy and introspection to this extent will inevitably expose their own misguided and malformed beliefs, they will realise when things they believed to be true were actually wrong - you have to acknowledge the context of what they believed at the time as well as what they now realise.  If you dismiss what they believed at the time and force their past actions to be framed by their current state of mind then you create a false dichotomy.  You also have to be open to the possibility that their belief might prove to be convincing to you or make sense to you once you learn more about it, rather than resisting anything that you perceive may challenge your beliefs.

When people tell you who they think they are, how they see themselves, believe them, even if the reality of what you perceive is different from their perception, it is important to recognise the way they see it, only then can you have any hope of getting them to realise why those beliefs aren't reflected by their actions.  If you fail to recognise their beliefs, their point of view, their motivation, and their intentions, then you will never succeed in getting them to alter their behaviour, the reason CBT works is because it gives context to our thought processes but those thought processes have to be the foundation you build upon, if it is crumbling then it needs to be repaired, you cannot swap one belief system for another and expect it to be accepted, trying to do that will likely lead to rejection unless those belief systems are already very close to begin with.

The point I am making here is that their reasons don't have to make sense to you, they don't even have to be valid to you, because those values are determined by your perspective, not theirs.  This isn't about whether it makes sense to you, it's about whether it makes sense to them.  So if someone gives you their reasons and your first response is "That doesn't make sense" - that's the point, you already realise that, because of what you know and what you believe, if you want them to understand your point of view and why you think it doesn't make sense then you're going to have to be able to communicate your own beliefs in return, and you might feel that you shouldn't have to, or that it's not your place, or not your job, but if that's how you feel then don't expect them to change their point of view, that attitude is likely shared by many and a huge part of why their beliefs have never been challenged before.

Ultimately this all comes down to the concept of conflict resolution, and the fact that most people don't actually want to resolve conflict they just want to engage in it - that's what you do when you make no attempt to see the other side and push forward with the belief that "I'm right, you're wrong, you need to agree with me" - the world doesn't work like that, this assertion leads to false placation, an outward projection of agreement whilst internally they still hold on to the same beliefs they had and nothing substantially changes.