Music Monday #32: I'm Not Dead by Pink

I said there'd be another album from Pink that would feature on this list and this is it, the aptly titled 'I'm Not Dead' which if you have read the post about Misundaztood you will probably smirk and think that's a bit on the nose and you'd be right, the title's literal significance is why I chose it.

I said in my last post about Pink that she is part of the reason I am still here, still alive, able to make it this far.  That's not an understatement in my mind, despite the level of articulation in my writing, the extensive vocabulary, the complex lexicon I employ at times, and the elaborate analogies and metaphors I draw upon, I wasn't always capable of expressing myself in this way.  My writing style has evolved over the years because of advice I was given by my High School English teacher, one of the few teachers that I am convinced knew I was gay, and tried in her own way to tell me it was ok whilst walking that fine line that Section 28 imposed.  The most salient piece of advice she gave me was to never stop writing.  To always find time to write even when you thought what you wrote was shit to keep doing it and keep developing it because it is a craft and it is like a muscle that needs to be exercised.  Of course she didn't use the word shit, but she did allude to it and the understanding was there.  That advice goes beyond practising your craft however, it lets you process your thoughts and feelings and acts as a form of therapy.

I practised my writing from my teenage years and never stopped, I still practise it today and choose that word because I do not believe anyone ever truly masters this craft, there is always more to learn, more to experiment with, and more to write.  This ability to express myself through this medium however took years to develop and is in many ways still developing.  Before I could express myself so freely I turned to others, to their words, to their craft, to see in their work a reflection of myself.  The bonds that I forged through music with artists and their lyrics came most strongly with those who wrote and sang about the things that meant the most to be, that expressed how I was feeling.  Misundaztood in 2001 came at a time when I needed it most and I fervently defend my assertion that I am here in part because of Pink, because when I couldn't put into words how I felt, she could. 

'I'm Not Dead' was released in 2006 as my time at college was coming to an end and I was looking to my future, to University and the path to a life beyond it.  I had hope, I had a future that I wanted to live for, and I could celebrate the fact that I was still alive.  I still had problems, everyone does, life is defined by them in many ways, you can never escape all of your problems and it's unrealistic to think you can - this is one reason I often assert for my mistrust of people who always smile and are seemingly always happy, I see that as contrived and to be frank, bullshit.  No-one is happy all of the time and no-one smiles all of the time, if you do, that makes me immediately think you have something to hide.  That's not a desire to see you struggle or suffer, it's just a belief I held and continue to hold, even now with the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy techniques that led me to question every belief I held without question I still hold onto this belief because it stands its ground when confronted, it holds true.

'Who Knew' is the first track from this album I want to mention specifically, this is a track that has grown in significance for me.  When I first heard it I had someone in mind, but over the years it has been associated with more than one person, not just romantic interests but platonic and even familial.  That feeling of departure, of loss, of being so close to someone at one point in your life only a few years later to be worlds apart, this hit me in the heart for the family members I lost, for the friends that drifted apart, for the loves I thought would be a part of my life forever only to become strangers.

'Leave Me Alone (I'm Lonely)' is the next, and my God if a song ever summed up my feelings at times this is it.  I have mentioned many times I am introverted in my nature, I form deep rooted attachments to people, and I like to get to know people but all of that is mentally exhausting to me.  I want people in my life but I can't maintain the level of social contact and exposure that other people seem to be able to do so easily.  I have to recharge, I need time to myself at times and the lyrics "You taste so sweet, But I can't eat the same thing every day, Cuttin' off the phone, Leave me the fuck alone, Tomorrow I'll be beggin' you to come home" reflects my sentiment deeply, I need space at times but that doesn't mean I want to lose you or say goodbye it just means I need to recharge.  Once again this applies to romantic, platonic, and familial loves.  I know that some people who have experienced the early days of forming a connection with me might find this surprising and I can see why.

The thing is, I am an incredibly curious person, I ask questions, I listen to the answers, and I try and learn as much as I can.  When I get to know someone, I want to know as much about them and their journey as I can.  The early stages of connecting with me if you get passed the initial shyness is always followed by an intense period where I essentially try to "catch up" on your life story, binging it.  I realise that this isn't something everyone can handle and I've tried to moderate myself over the years.  I've lost more than a few friendships that could have been so much more because I couldn't hold back, to borrow a metaphor one friend often used, I threw them into the deep end, and they drowned. 

On a related note 'Stupid Girls' touched on something else that I had always found frustrating and that was the idea of vapidity and shallow connections.  Superficiality in all its forms always pissed me off.  I can't feign interest in people when I don't actually care, I know this comes off as rude to people and I don't know how to counterbalance it.  If the development of friendships and relationships is complicated by going to deep too quick then it's true to say my feeling of disconnection from the world stems from my inability to engage in small talk and meaningless conversation.  Stupid Girls is a song that expresses Pink's frustration with the lack of value attached to substance and depth, something which I feel has only gotten worse as time has passed since its release.

I can't let this album pass by without paying particular attention to the title track.  The album as a whole speaks to me but the title track more than anything reflects that sense of celebration at still being alive, although the song as a whole is a love song, or a the aftermath of love, the final verse and the final refrain sum up my feelings so I'll close the post off with them, but before that I would just like to reiterate something I wrote in a previous post, love songs often focus on an unnamed person and whilst that person is usually someone in particular that I associate it with, there are times where that person is myself, or my ego as the case may be, in this regard the lyrics speak of the person you were, or the person you want to be, or the search for who you are, and for me this is one of those songs, a love song to myself - and yes I am a believer in the importance of loving yourself [Shhh spoilers] but we'll discuss that in another post.  For now, I leave you with the lyrics:

I'm not dead just yet I'm not dead I'm just floating
Doesn't matter where I'm going
I'll find you
I'm not scared at all
Underneath the cuts and bruises
Finally gained what no one loses
I'll find you
I will find you

I'm not dead just floating
I'm not scared just changing
You're my crack of sunlight yeah