The Eye of the Storm

When you are a writer one thing that can inspire either excitement or fear is a blank page. Excitement for the potential it holds when there is a fountain of creativity that is bursting inside of you; fear when you set about to tap into that potential and there isn't so much as a drip that flows. Life right now is pretty miserable for everyone but there is still positivity to be found, but channelling that into creativity however is not an easy feat. Turning fear into fuel is something that can only happen when you're ready to embrace that fear and explore its depths, but set in an environment that is already negative, that can be very hard to do because you know that if you lose yourself in that dark abyss that even the light of the world above from which you fell might not be enough to pull you back.

There is positivity in the world but its light is dim right now, it's hard to find but I hear the lyrics to 'When You Believe' from The Prince of Egypt soundtrack performed by Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey, the line that echoes most is "Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill" - for the first time in months I'm starting to believe there can be something more once again, in a moment of clarity I can see an end in sight.

I've struggled with depression in my life, I have been as low as you can go, with thoughts of suicide and an attempt that I survived many years ago.  There's a semicolon in my twitter name and in my bio which many people probably haven't noticed or simply thought it was a typo, that's fine if you don't know its meaning.  It's there as a sign for those who might be struggling, part of Project Semicolon it's used as a sign for those who are struggling that they are a survivor or have lost someone they knew to suicide.

Surviving doesn't mean your journey into that darkness is over, I still struggle with anxiety, and a whole host of worries that came together and fomented in the last year. The trouble with anxiety and depression is that they are hard to separate because they are both intrinsically linked to your environment. Depression is a reaction to where you are, and anxiety is a reaction to where you might end up. Add trauma into the mix and you create a perfect storm, with post traumatic stress being a reaction to where you have been. When those three align you end up in a very dark place in your mind where you can't face your past, your present, or your future, how you react to that will depend on each individual but in my case in those moments I tend to shut down. It starts subtly by engaging less with others, and expressing myself less and less. Ultimately it leads to a mental state where my mind is completely blank, not because I don't have anything to think about but because literally anything I try to think about leads me back to everything I feel anxious about. Through fear of being connected to those triggers I retract so that no connection can be made at all.

These episodes for me go through waves, with each peak and trough defined by the highest high and the lowest low of my mood. Right now I feel I have passed my lowest point in this wave, I can feel my confidence slowly rebuilding, and my mind is starting to entertain thoughts that don't lead me back to darkness. Maintaining that growth and recovery isn't something that can be forced; in my experience attempts to force progress usually end up derailing the whole process.

I can't control my environment right now, I've accepted that there's only so much one person can do and I'm coming to a point of comfort where I'm beginning to accept that I'm doing the best I can in terms of my future too and that is all I can hope for at least for now. I can't hate myself for how things turn out, whatever the future holds for me, I genuinely believe there's not a lot more I could do that wouldn't in itself be destructive. As for my past, the final vertex in this Bermuda Triangle of torture, I've been reflecting on that quite a bit. There's a lot of darkness in my past, bullying, social exclusion, and abuse [physical, emotional, and sexual], and although I have spoken about it quite a bit with people over the years both in a personal and professional capacity, it's been the experiences of others that have been shared that have made it easier for me to open up, because there are those who will listen without judgement and offer support, and knowing that is like knowing there's a lifeguard sat by the pool, it feels reassuring that you're not alone.

Right now my biggest fear is that this could prove to be another 'eye of the storm' moment for me. When the UK went into its first lockdown last year, there was a period of about 2 weeks where I felt great, and I chalk that up to an odd realisation. Anxiety is often irrational, it is the fear of the worst case scenario and on some level you know that your fear isn't justified that the worst case scenario isn't the most likely outcome, but the threat that it could be is what your thoughts focus on and what causes the anxiety. When the worst case scenario actually happened there was a moment of validation where the part of your mind that kept saying "don't do that or this will happen" was suddenly saying to you "I told you this would happen" and weirdly in that moment there is a sense of relief because there is no fear of anything worse because you feel like you're already there. It's only when you start to recover that the anxiety returns.

My only comfort here is that there is an element of exposure therapy involved in the experience of multiple lockdowns. The fear of what might happen isn't as intense this time around because I've experienced it already and I know I can survive it even if I don't thrive, surviving is enough. Right now I feel tentative, as hope is slowly returning to my life, the fear and anxiety that have returned this time are weaker than before. Only time will prove if this holds true, but for now at least I'm looking forward again.

This blog probably won't return to its weekly schedule for some time though. Creativity comes and goes for me right now and it takes a lot of effort to be able to tap into it. We all have our coping mechanisms though and our strategies for dealing with whatever life throws at us, for me when I can't write, I read. So that's what I have been doing lately, nothing I want to share right now though.

Stay safe, wear a mask, and check in on your friends, even the ones you expect to be fine, check anyway; life right now is pretty miserable for everyone even for them, they might not be coping as well as you think they are, silence doesn't mean that they aren't struggling.

Personal updates can be found on my twitter profile @TheGayAlbino