1999

Sometimes songs that are meant to inspire happiness can be the saddest songs of all. The holiday season came and went and with it a cloud of depression descended upon me. I was never like this in the past, Christmas was one of my favourite times of the year. I used to look forward to it, even when I grew up and the season lost its magic, I still found joy and happiness in the decorations and the festivity. I was always a believer in the season of good will and kindness to all, I don't know when that changed. Perhaps it didn't change but rather the darkness that swells in the undercurrent has grown with age to the point where that energy isn't enough to compensate for it anymore.

I'm struggling this year more than I ever have emotionally, the extreme swings have given way to a long slow decline. I was listening to a song that wasn't even a Christmas track just one that Spotify decided to recommend '1999' by Charli XCX, despite the intention to drum up nostalgia for a simpler time, the track had the opposite effect on me. 1999 wasn't a good year for me, it's not something I'd particularly want to repeat if I am honest. The idea of going back to a time of innocence is intoxicating because ignorance is seductive it offers a false promise of protection from the horrors of the world but that's all it is, a false promise.

I've been asked before, what was the happiest moment of my life, and it's honestly a question I can't think of an answer to which is depressing. It's not that I have never experienced happiness, far from it, I just used to be a person who found happiness in the moment, I could be happy with who I was or with what I had. The memories of those little moments fade with time though, there are no great moments of epiphany or life changing moments of positivity for me that I can draw on but there's an abundance of negative experiences and trauma that flood into my mind when you ask what the saddest moment of my life was.

The ease with which the trauma and sadness can be conjured juxtaposed with the difficulty in conjuring up the happiness is the root of my emotional struggle right now. I'm finding it harder than ever to hold onto the idea that things might get better, and it feels like every time I get close to closing my grip on that concept it's loosened by more negativity entering my life. I feel like there's no escape from it, and every time I try to create a path forward I end up circling back to where I was, or end up in a worse position than when I started.

Some people would quip that I'm suffering from main character syndrome, wanting some grand story arc for my life to follow but to be honest grandeur isn't what I desire. I am a gay man and while I don't feel like this experience is unique to my community, I don't think it helps that there's a predisposition because of the fact that every "default" path that society expects you to take is a path that most queer people don't walk. As much as I feel lost and not sure what I want to do with my life or who I want to be, society doesn't offer anything in response because it feels like society doesn't know what to do with me in return.

I have no desire to have children, marriage is something that although now it's possible for gay people in the UK, still remains as something only certain gay men seem to want. I don't have the cut-throat nature needed to rise to the top of a corporate career path, and I don't have the stability in my creative process to turn my creative endeavours into a sustainable career for myself. I write and self-publish as a form of self-therapy and because it's something I genuinely like to do, but the moment I try and structure that creative effort with deadlines and schedules all creativity dies.

When it comes to nostalgia and dreams of a simpler past, I think most people have some moment in their life they'd like to return to, or they would like to try and recreate it, I don't have that. The coldness of reality has extinguished that flame for me that other kindle for most of their lives. There's no warmth anymore in this world and this past Christmas that was something I felt figuratively and quite literally as the UK felt a cold snap we haven't seen for a few years now.

I've had near death experiences in my life, and I have had moments where I tried to take my life and I am still here. I have tried to make sense of the reason why for many years but never been able to find an answer. I held onto the idea for a time that I was still here because someone or something wanted me to be, that I still as yet serve some purpose or will do at some point that I am unaware of - again main character syndrome creeping in. The other idea I held onto somewhat dissonant is the idea that your life is something like a video game, that there are "save points" created along the way and that when you die you return to one of those points and try again. That plays into the experience of déjà vu that seems to permeate my life right now. The idea being that I didn't survive but that each time I died and went back to the last save point and picked up where I left off.

Both of those ideas have fallen to the wayside in recent years ever since I watched 'The Good Place' the idea of the epiphany Eleanor has that she's actually living in Hell is weighing down on my conscience. All three of these scenarios ultimately lead to the conclusion that there is no escape not even in death. If you're here because someone wants you to be then they won't let you die, and if you're here because you get sent back to the last save point like a video game then there is no option to quit. As for the religious connotations of this being the bad place, well that in itself is eternal.

What are you left with when even death isn't an escape?