The Static Evolution of a Restless Mind

What you know is not fixed, it is fluid, forever changing. When we learn, we add to what we know, but sometimes we chip away at the foundation we once thought would stand the test of time. When I was younger I liked to observe more than participate in social situations. I would watch intently always present in the moment, when others thought that I was miles away or lost in thought, I was processing everything that I perceived. The intergenerational conflict that I now realise is perpetual, was something in particular that amused me. Even as a teenager I was able to comprehend that change was abrasive and that people always resisted it, even when they were able to recognise that change was in their best interests, their self doubts and their desire to hold onto the past for good or for bad, made them hesitant.

With age I have come to realise that your attitude to change depends a lot on your frame of reference. As a teenager, for me and my peers the world we knew was the one we were experiencing in that moment. Growing up in Northern Ireland there was a lot of reflection and a great importance placed on remembering the past, but what was exceptional about my adolescence was that remembrance was not borne of nostalgia and longing for bygone years, it was very much a warning; the past was not something my generation romanticised it was something we never wanted to return to. The outcome of that atmosphere was the nurturing of an entire generation that was focused on the future instead.

In my last post I mentioned 1999 was not a year I would be particularly excited about returning to, mostly because of everything that happened in my childhood. Yet the mentality that permeated society in Northern Ireland in the 1990s was something that I have felt a longing for, the mentality of hope. Northern Ireland was exhausted after decades of conflict, there were glimmers of hope and society as a whole was holding onto them for dear life, because they really were our last chance at peace.

The past is perpetual, it is infinite because we are forever moving forward in time and can never stop that motion. "The past" to me as a teenager was defined as the decades of conflict that we hoped were behind us. Some twenty years later now "The past" extends beyond those decades up until this moment in time. Nostalgia is a drug, the allure of halcyon days and blissful ignorance is intoxicating, I am not immune to this temptation, but that mentality of looking forward has persisted at least for me. My recent bout of depression came from the recognition that the future is uncertain and filled with risks that now hold a credibility they have not held for decades. In these moments it is to nostalgia where most people retreat, but with the absence of a comforting past to hold onto I had nowhere to shelter mentally.

It is an odd state of cognitive dissonance to want to retreat to a simpler time, yet recognise for you that never existed to begin with. It's an open admission that we are conditioned to behave in a particular way and that when that behaviour does not produce within yourself the reaction the conditioning intended, you're pretty much left to fend for yourself, because society as a whole does not know "what to do with you" instead labelling you as an outsider, an outlier, an exception, an oddity, a statistical anomaly that can be largely ignored.

If change can be considered a current, nostalgia can be considered an anchor, intended to prevent people from getting swept away. Yet living a life without that anchor brings you to a perspective that few come to share. The world has changed a lot in the last 35 years, but what I have observed in that time is that people embrace change reluctantly, hoping that it will bring them closer to where they want to be. They carry their anchor with them until eventually they perceive themselves as blown so far off course that their anxiety grows and their hesitance to move forward reaches its peak. In that moment they drop anchor and refuse to move from that point onward.

In the UK this moment in a person's life has traditionally been viewn as the ideological flip. It's a stereotype that British people are born liberals, that teenagers and students hold liberal views and vote traditionally for the Liberal Democrats, before transitioning to Labour as young professionals. Eventually those that amass wealth or succeed in their careers reach a point where they transition to become conservative voters where they remain until they die. That is the stereotypical political journey; the exceptions to this journey come from the nature versus nurture debate. Namely that those born into areas of privilege and wealth tend to skew towards conservative mentalities primarily because their parents instil conservative values in them. Conversely those who are born into under privileged areas tend to have communities that put greater emphasis on social accountability and collectivity resulting in more social democratic values. This conditioning then inevitably gets challenged by the individual's life experience.

I never took that journey, neither did anyone in Northern Ireland for the simple reason Labour, Liberal Democrats, and the Conservative party do not contest elections in Northern Ireland. Instead the political landscape of Northern Ireland is divided by the question of Irish Unity with the Republican community preferring a United Ireland, and the Unionist Community [ironically] opposing Unity [preferring union with Great Britain instead hence the name] - the question of liberal vs conservative ideology is not raised at all. In fact within the Republican community that I grew up in, no-one cared at all about those ideological differences to the point where we never even had that conversation, as for economic preference, again those discussions were never entertained. People were simply considered open minded or traditional, and in favour of public spending or opposed, but beyond those labels I can't recall a single argument centring around any of those issues, people were more focused on living their lives and leaving others to live theirs.

Conservative ideology in practical terms in Northern Ireland almost entirely originated in the political policies of governments in Westminster that were imposed upon us, and while the conversation about which side the people would actually be drawn upon if we were to decide on those issues for ourselves was never had, there was consensus that devolution as a path to ask those questions and answer them for ourselves was a necessity. That consensus today has evaporated. Cognitive dissonance is rife in Northern Ireland but almost entirely contained within the Unionist community. Politicians in the Unionist community namely the DUP favour a union with Great Britain yet oppose its policies meanwhile the Republican community stands in disbelief trying to figure out exactly what those politicians want.

Still of all that old adage "The way we were" or that you just "Want things to go back to the way they were" crops up, with inevitable ambiguity when you ask exactly what that means. The desire is programmed, the answer is not forthcoming because the answer you're supposed to give isn't one anyone from Northern Ireland can actually give - at least not in clear conscience, lest you admit you actually want to return to conflict, which by all accounts the overwhelming majority of the people of Northern Ireland across all communities categorically do not want.

Northern Ireland is fascinating in that its state of mind is a microcosm for what is happening in wider society. Humanity as a whole is standing on a precipice with the past echoing with a deafening ring that is becoming harder to ignore. As a race we face challenges that are entirely of our own design, the consequences of our actions have come back to bite us in the ass and we are divided, on one side those who can't decide what they want and on the other those standing in disbelief frustrated by the fact that seemingly no-one is doing anything to address the problems we face.

When those problems only have solutions that are beyond the scope of individual action there is a debilitating uncertainty that makes it difficult to make decisions about your own life, do you ignore the problems, and make choices as if they don't exist or as if they aren't a factor? That's difficult to do because as much as you may want to live in denial, that mentality won't protect you from the ramifications of those problems. Do you instead take those problems into consideration and make changes with them in mind? Again that is hard to do because those problems are beyond individual resolution, you can make choices that factor them in but you can't predict how everyone else will behave and again the ramifications of those problems.

For me personally this manifests in the question of whether or not I should leave Northern Ireland. On the one hand my family is here but on the other there is a lack of opportunity here and some recent events in my personal life have left me questioning whether I can have the life I want while still living here. The challenge is that it is a very real possibility now that there could be a United Ireland in my lifetime, if I do decide to leave, would that mean I come back, or commit to staying wherever I end up? If I chose to stay here instead, what can I change, the challenges facing Northern Ireland are not within my control. In truth all of these choices take energy I do not believe I have and I feel paralysed. I came back to Northern Ireland 14 years ago and I've been through a lot in that time yet somehow ended up back where I started, my life has taken one giant 14 year loop.