Cake or Death?

I believe there are two types of gay guys, those that want cock first and a connection second, and those that want a connection first and cock second. This division is something that has become incredibly visible within the community because it's often viewn through the lens of "the apps" [Grindr, Hornet, Scruff, Romeo, etc] which are very much geared towards those that want cock first and a connection second, whilst there are far fewer apps and services that cater to those that want a connection first, in fact the only two that really come to mind are Romeo and POF - the main reason I would say Romeo offers this is because you can explicitly set on your profile through a status what you're looking for, sex, dates, friends, chat etc, so it is dual functional. As for POF - Plenty of Fish, that is a dating site whose general schtick has always been to market itself as a match-making service with personality tests and things to try and match you with someone else, the efficacy of this we can discuss another time.

This division between priorities I think is a disservice to both sides, but more so towards those who want an emotional or social connection before they have sex with someone. The reason I would say this is because as someone who has taken both routes and lived both lives I can honestly say that of the guys I met up with for a hookup there's a 3 way split between those where it ended up mutually only interested in a hookup one third of the time, another third has been a hookup that they then wanted something more with me, but I wasn't interested, and the final third has been those who I wanted more with them but they weren't interested in that with me.

The key point to emphasise here is that in 2 thirds of those encounters, one of us ended up wanting more. Meaning that only a minority of the connections started off as driven by sex and ended in nothing more than a sexual connection, the majority of the time one side wanted an emotional connection.

If you ask those who want a connection first and sex second, why that might be, the most likely answer they will give is that sex takes a priority and that those who use hookup apps aren't people they would ever consider a relationship with. That's a rather narrow view in my opinion and again I say that as someone who has been on both sides of this divide.

I spent the first 17 years of my life in the closet, then partially came out before finally coming out completely to everyone that knew me at 18. I went to University for 3 years in London and fresh out of the closet I held onto the idea of meeting a guy, someone who would be the stereotypical heteronormative relationship dynamic, meet, date, have sex, form a relationship, and maybe that would lead to something more. I was 18, and no-one my age wanted that. So for my first year of University was pretty much uneventful.

I grew up in Northern Ireland which was and still is in many ways conservative, homophobia is still a problem here. I knew when I was at University that there was a very real chance that might be the only time I would get to explore my sexuality freely, and with one year down and nothing to show for it I felt time wasn't on my side. My second year was much more eventful, things got off to a rough start with a hookup that turned into a situationship, then a love chain and a headfuck that we don't need to get into right now. Suffice to say my patience with strings was worn thin, when I was introduced to the world of No Strings Attached sex, I was given what I wanted, sex without the complication. I still wanted a relationship, I just didn't want the complication of navigating through all that goes with it potentially leading nowhere. This was 2007 so pre-Grindr, the first iPhone had only been released and apps weren't yet a "thing" to hookup through.

I had what I affectionately call my slut phase, and I had my fill, quite literally. Two years later when I slowed down to reassess what I wanted in my life before graduation I was content with my choices. I explored my sexuality and even though it never lead to a relationship I was happy that I didn't waste those years where I had the greatest opportunity to find one.

The divide between which should come first is puritanical, it's ultimately routed in homophobia, I can see that quite clearly, and whilst you might not be of that opinion, the idea that you should write off someone as a potential partner in a relationship because they had sex without forming an emotional connection first is a hangover from the religious notions of sex before marriage being a sin. It's a certain type of internalised shame that most people don't acknowledge as shame but instead see as a badge of honour or pride that they were pure enough to wait.

Rather ironically, or paradoxically, there's also the idea that gay guys looking for a relationship don't want to be with a virgin. This is a rather odd juxtaposition because it basically means that you want to meet someone who is more interested in an emotional connection first and sex second, but has had enough sex to be experienced. You're the catch-22 gay dating equivalent of needing experience to get a job but need the job to get the experience. It seems to be that what you really want is someone who has been in a long term relationship and broken up with their partner or divorced them because then they haven't been "a slut on the apps" but aren't a virgin either.

There's so much to unpack right there that I don't even know where to begin so I'm not even going to try. The bottom line here is that it's fine to have different priorities, it's fine to want an emotional connection first and sex second, or sex first and an emotional connection second, but writing off the people who choose the other path is a disservice to you more than it is to them.

Most people want sex, whether it's a priority, or not, ultimately it is what they want; for those that want an emotional connection first and sex second very few of you will be willing to pursue a relationship if you know ahead of time that the relationship at the end will be sexless, taking your priority as the main driver for your pursuit and removing the secondary motivation, so why are you so quick to dismiss those who seek sex first and dismiss their secondary motivations?

Most people want sex and know that if they hold out forever and a day for a relationship to get it then they probably won't have much of it, if any. Those that choose to prioritise sex over connection through hookup apps are being pragmatic and putting themselves first.

The most ironic part of this whole argument is that I have seen more gay couples that met through apps and hookups than I have seen couples who met in more conventional ways. You don't have to use sex as a route to a relationship but it does seem to be the more likelier route to one. If you choose not to take that path that's fine but in doing so don't write off the people that do, because they are still guys that you could meet, who are still looking for a relationship as their end goal, even if their short term focus is elsewhere. If you just take the time to talk to people and understand their motivations it might surprise you why they put them in that order, the idea of them that you have built up in your mind might be completely off base. As I said before, only a minority of the guys I have met through hookups were only interested in one thing, the majority wanted more.

This doesn't have to be a cake or death scenario, you can have your cake and eat it too.