The Need To Know

Some things we want to share, there will never be a right time to do that, some things people will never be ready to hear, but that doesn't mean they won't be able to handle what you have to say. Understanding the difference between these two things is something it took me the better part of a decade to grasp. The desire to live your life openly is noble and virtuous to a point but it isn't altruistic because intensity of the emotions we carry and the weight of the memories we hold aren't the same for everyone, just because we can shoulder that burden doesn't mean that everyone else can.

Sometimes in life you have to simply decide whether you're ever going to share something at all and if the answer is yes, then the time is now because there will never be a "right" time to do it, and if you wait for that to happen you will only amplify the anxiety associated with sharing that truth. If the answer is no then you have to learn to let go of your past and let go of that burden because carrying it with you forever also increases anxiety but in a much more generalised way. "Ambient" anxiety comes from an unease with your sense of self, and how it fits into the environment you exist within.

Have the awkward conversation, share what you have been holding back, process your feelings and give others a chance to do the same because if you don't then you overload yourself with anxiety of pondering the answer to the question:

"If not now, then when? If ever, then why not now?"

I will admit simply letting go of things is a lot easier said than done, but there is a point of comfort you can find when you ask yourself instead "Does anyone need to know?" because that question makes it a lot easier to open up in the moment, because your motivation switches from the self-centred motive of sharing to make yourself feel better, to the selfless motive of sharing because they need to know.

Reframing the things you keep bottled up, with that question of the need to know can shift your entire perspective from one that can be construed as dishonest to one that is seen as private, you're no longer withholding information from people, you're making a judgement on whether they need or even deserve to know and that has far reaching consequences.

The obvious examples you can draw on are disclosing your sexuality to others, or your gender identity, but this applies to any intimate truth, or any truth you guard intimately, the expectation of complete and unbridled honesty when you break it down is actually rooted in a sense of entitlement that is quite toxic to hold onto. You shouldn't share everything with others, and you shouldn't expect others to share everything with you, if there is any trust in a relationship be it platonic, romantic, or familial, you should be able to trust another person's judgement whether they should share something with you, and they should trust yours.

This whole post came as the result of a breakthrough in my mental health which I had this morning unpacking my trauma, I came to a realisation which penetrated a black hole of memory and finally let me figure out details relating to it that I had repressed for almost 30 years, this was immediately followed by the thought of who to tell, which led to the question of who needs to know, who do I want to know, and who doesn't need to know. 15 years ago in my early 20s when I wore my heart on my sleeve, drowning in emo-kid culture I would have bore that truth for all to see, oblivious to whether the people around me could actually handle the magnitude of those revelations.

There was only one person who came to mind that would understand the significance so I sent her a message and she responded predictably, I'm grateful I have friends I can be open with and share so much of my life with but I feel most aren't ready to know this, and probably never will be, so I have accepted this is something I will never share with them unless they explicitly ask about it, I do realise that is unironically the premise of "Don't Ask Don't Tell" but my only defence is that unlike that policy the decision not to share is one by choice not one imposed upon me.